My Journals
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I think the psychiatrist realizes she was wrong in thinking that I am not bipolar. The anti-depressant had the effect I expected it to, which was fun for a while. LOL. However, it was rapidly getting out of control and progressing to a point of no return. Mania, while exhilirating, is really destructi...
I think the psychiatrist realizes she was wrong in thinking that I am not bipolar. The anti-depressant had the effect I expected it to, which was fun for a while. LOL.
However, it was rapidly getting out of control and progressing to a point of no return. Mania, while exhilirating, is really destructive.
So I'm going back to the start...
Not sure exactly where the start is anymore... or where life will lead me...
In a way I feel like I'm in limbo, caught somewhere between a nightmare and a dream, with reality (the here and now) all tangled up in both.
I'm afraid to move at all, even breathe fully, to take a step in any direction because I feel like doing so would bring everything crashing down on top of me. Which leaves me feeling utterly trapped and desperate.
So much has gone wrong, yet right, in the past few months that I don't even know where to begin or how to sort it all out.
I do feel like I am becoming a different person. Somehow, out of the ashes of everything destroyed, for the first time in my life I am standing strong and proud, defiant and secure, with the knowledge that I can be myself and don't need anyone else.
I like that. I love it, actually.
At ...
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Life takes some pretty unexpected turns and it really never ceases to amaze me. I went to my new psychiatrist today (well, actually I saw the Nurse Practicioner because the actual psychiatric doc...
Life takes some pretty unexpected turns and it really never ceases to amaze me.
I went to my new psychiatrist today (well, actually I saw the Nurse Practicioner because the actual psychiatric doctor was scheduling out at least three weeks and she could fit me in the next week). At first I was a bit uneasy about that, because I don't trust people with my mental health in general, and I really only wanted the best of the best.
Turns out, that may be exactly what I got in my new ... Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner/Counselor... I don't know that there's a title that really fits her very well.
I immediately felt very comfortable with her. We jumped from topic to topic like lightning jumps from cloud to cloud in Summer storms. Miscarriage, job stress and loss, childhood, marriage, teenage years, suicide attempts, manic-like symptoms, medication history, hypersensitivity, empathy, auras...
yes, you read that correctly - empathy and auras.
I was just as surprised as you are.
Want an even bigger surprise?
&nbs...
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Was shuffling through my iTunes playlist last night when "I'm Still Breathing" by Katy Perry came up. It's such an intense, profound soung.
Was shuffling through my iTunes playlist last night when "I'm Still Breathing" by Katy Perry came up.
It's such an intense, profound soung.
It struck me, suddenly, that my own actions resemble those of the speaker in the song - not actively trying to end the misery, but not really avoiding the end or trying to stay safe and healthy either.
So, if you want to know how I am, if anybody asks how I'm doing - you can tell them "I'm still breathing".
Actually, I feel somewhat better today.
Maybe my insanely long monologue from yesterday was what I really needed - to just get out these feelings that I've been harboring deep down (and why did I not want to share them anyway?).
Things seem much more ugly and scary when you keep them to yourself. Once they are out, in the open, they don't seem as frightening or overwhelming.
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April 27,
3,800 words.
All.
8 comments.
Loss, of any kind perhaps, rips a gigantic, jagged hole into your life. For weeks, months even, I stood at the edge of this hole, turning my back to it, pretending there was some kind of fast way over it. I thought I could build a bridge with my optim...
Loss, of any kind perhaps, rips a gigantic, jagged hole into your life.
For weeks, months even, I stood at the edge of this hole, turning my back to it, pretending there was some kind of fast way over it. I thought I could build a bridge with my optimism and cross to "the other side" where better things waited.
I thought if I ignored and denied my pain long enough, it would just go away and not be real. I'd never have to deal with it.
I was wrong. I lost my footing and one foot slipped into that gigantic hole. It wasn't much, but it was enough to completely overwhelm me. So, tired of running from it (doesn't the fear of things somehow make them worse?) I dove straight in. Head-first.
I tread water there for what seemed like an eternity. I kept my head up, treasuring that priceless ability to never lose focus and always see that up at the end.
But it's exhausting, trying to be this person that I'm not. Trying to put on this happy face and be strong - for what? What is so selfish about allowing myself to be sad?
So I let go of all holds. Whatever had been keeping me back from the edge before was completely gone now. I reached into this hole inside and found an endless well of pain - an ocean of nothing that would swallow me completely if I didn't pull back.
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