I really do wonder why I bother at all sometimes...

I really do wonder why I bother at all sometimes...

"We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone..."
~ Walter Anderson.



I've always been quite a naive person, but since I started attending university I've been selective about the people I consider friends and those who will stay in my lif...

"We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone..."
~ Walter Anderson.



I've always been quite a naive person, but since I started attending university I've been selective about the people I consider friends and those who will stay in my life long-term. I, willingly, suffered enough toxic friends in my first 20 years, which has only led to unhappiness, so my trust and friendship have become... special commodities, shall we say.

However, what am I to do when I'm wrong? What do I do when someone portrays a friend, for years, so well it is worthy of an Oscar, and then takes advantage of that trust? I feel betrayed.

I feel stupid. I don't think I could have been more blind. I allowed myself to get into this situation. It could have been a lot worse. Dangerous, even. I may be overreacting, but I keep having visions of different scenarios that could easily have played out. Now, I'm really parnoid. Everytime I hear a car pass by or someone at the door my heart tries to break from my chest.


Am I overreacting?

I haven't written a journal in quite some time. I really should get back into the habit, it seems to keep me somewhat sane and saves me from lashing out at those closest to me, even if they are the entire reason I'm angry.


This is directed at everybody and nobody.

What is it about human beings that makes us feel it's OK to guilt somebody into doing something, emotional blackmail as it were, take advantage of other people when...

I haven't written a journal in quite some time. I really should get back into the habit, it seems to keep me somewhat sane and saves me from lashing out at those closest to me, even if they are the entire reason I'm angry.


This is directed at everybody and nobody.

What is it about human beings that makes us feel it's OK to guilt somebody into doing something, emotional blackmail as it were, take advantage of other people when you figure out their weakness is the word "No". I, myself, just can't say it where certain people are concerned and once these certain people realise it, that's it, I'm forever dropping my own important stuff to go and sort out their messy love lives / cover a shift at work because they're too hungover / etc. etc. Whether or not it is intentional on their part, I don't know. But, this leads to me being very unhappy and generally not saying a word, because although it's putting me out, I do like to help people as best I can. This is what happened with my ex. I did everything I could to make him happy, without complaining to him (although I'm sure I did bend someone's ear over it), and I did not receive neither thanks nor the same courtesy. This is why I ended up hating him. He is not the first and he won't be the last.

Some time after we broke up, I found myself again. I became someone I liked once more. She was considerate of others, but took care of herself too. Lately though, and I know it's nobody's fault but my own, I've found myself becoming that old Michelle again. To be honest, I hate her. I don't want to be her. The very thought of her makes me despair. So, forgive me if I get angry with you, I'm getting angry with myself, too, probably moreso than you. Please though, don't just apologise, take note of what it is you (and I) have done to upset me and let us avoid the situation in future.

Also, know that I love you and, that by the time I reach my driveway, I miss you.

Hey guys!

I've no internet connection just yet in my new house, so I just want to let you know that's the reason I've been AWOL and that I am still alive. And everything is great! Once I get the interweb I will fill you all in.

I love 2010!


x

Hey guys!

I've no internet connection just yet in my new house, so I just want to let you know that's the reason I've been AWOL and that I am still alive. And everything is great! Once I get the interweb I will fill you all in.

I love 2010!


x