Mini version of Cut my life into pieces

Cut my life into pieces....Well all of yall did that for me
This is my last resort....tis is, so dont stop me
Suffocation....lungs crushing
No breathing ....paradise
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding ....releases the pressure
Do you even care if I die bleeding ....never cared before so dont start
Who did me wrong ...everyone of yall bitches
Who did me right ...God
If I took my life tonight ...plan on
Chances are that I might
Mutilation outta sight ...100%
And I'm contemplating suicide ...not contemplating, i'm planning

'Cause I'm losing my sight
Losing my mind ...it already gone
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine ...dont waste your time

I never realized I was spread too thin...realized i just wished otherwise
Till it was too late
And I was empty within
Hungry
Feeding on chaos
And living in sin
Downward spiral where do I begin
It all started when I lost my mother ...never had my mother
No love for myself
And no love for another ...love for everyone but myself
Searching to find a love up on a higher level
Finding nothing but questions and devils ...devils who own my soul

Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine ...should of told me sooner
Nothing's alright
Nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
I'm crying
I'm crying ....I'm smiling
I'm crying ....I'm laughing
I'm crying ....I'm dying
I can't go on living this way ...so I'm ending it

I can't go on living this way ...so 3hrs and its the end
Can't go on ...3hrs and all is inimportant
Living this way
Nothing's alright ....everything is perfect! I'm dead.

• By me, right now

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Recent Journals

• Tired

  on Dec 5 11:21 PM 2009, In Diary, My life, Other, Pain, Personal, Thoughts.  300 words. All. 1 comment.

  I'm running out of energy. I go to school full time, I work part time after school babysitting, i play tennis, i'm in my numerous clubs and organizations, I volunteer my time tutoring or at the nursing home...We all know my health is horrible. I spend a quarter of my time in a chair cause of my hip problem, and these heart problems not helping anything. Well now both my parents are sick...My mom has always had these migranes that literally make her bed ridden for days...She can't walk, she...

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  I'm running out of energy. I go to school full time, I work part time after school babysitting, i play tennis, i'm in my numerous clubs and organizations, I volunteer my time tutoring or at the nursing home...We all know my health is horrible. I spend a quarter of my time in a chair cause of my hip problem, and these heart problems not helping anything. Well now both my parents are sick...My mom has always had these migranes that literally make her bed ridden for days...She can't walk, she can't eat, she can't move, she hallucinates...My father and me use to have to carry her to bed, now his back is no good so I help them both. My mom is no skinny lady either, so carrying her to bed takes so much energy and puts a ton of pressure on my back and my bad hip. I stay up almost every night making sure my mom doesn't have an attack during the night in which i have to rush her to the hospital. Moving her around and trying to make her eat is such a battle. My father still works as much as he can but now if he sits down or lays down i have to help him up. So every day at 5 o clock he yells for me to help him up and once he's home from work its almost every hour. I have to put his socks on and his boots cause he can no longer bend over and do it himself. when he comes home sometimes he gets these awful chest pains and i'm scared hes going to have another heart attack. He lays on the floor holding his chest and trying to catch his breath...my father is very stubborn and never goes to the hospital so I'm scared of losing him...my parents are both 52 and I'm only 16 I can only do so much if my father has to quit his job i'm going to have to support them which means no college for me, no going off...I'm scared one day I'm going to fall asleep and in the morning I won't have either one of my parents...and I know this lack of sleep is not good on me but I'm to scared to lose them.
• May be goodbye

  on Sep 9 10:53 AM 2009, 200 words. All. 1 comment.

  I'm literally becoming overwhelmed with my life. School is super hard now(got to do a whole oral report in spanish!!), 4-H is busier than ever, tennis, UIL, student council, Gifted & talented, FCCLA, finding colleges, getting conformed. Every thing is just so much and the worse is my parents keep saying i should have done high school in 4 yrs, yea its alot but ik i can do it but them not supporting me through my hardest yr of school is not helping. So I am probably going to be leaving AP b...

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  I'm literally becoming overwhelmed with my life. School is super hard now(got to do a whole oral report in spanish!!), 4-H is busier than ever, tennis, UIL, student council, Gifted & talented, FCCLA, finding colleges, getting conformed. Every thing is just so much and the worse is my parents keep saying i should have done high school in 4 yrs, yea its alot but ik i can do it but them not supporting me through my hardest yr of school is not helping. So I am probably going to be leaving AP but i'll get on now and then to check my messages, until next time then. Take care, God Bless & of course SMILE!
  
  If you must get a hold of me here is my e-mails, dogluv6@hotmail.com Kl.wilkins@yahoo.com kaykay.wilkins@gmail.com myspace is Angel_of_All
  
  For the main people i do talk to on MSN, I might be leaving yall as well but for a different reason. If yall want to know why i'll tell you in a private chat cause it is actually a painfull subject for me cause it has already happened to me twice in my life and I don't want it again.
  
  Love u all, thanks for everything, & Smile or i'll come tickle u
  ~Angel of All~ Aka Kay
• The Pain

  on Aug 26 3:05 PM 2009, In Depression, Pain, Personal, Sad.  200 words. All. 3 comments.

  What he doesn't know is I stay up everynight, wishing for him beside me.
  That his imperfections make me whole.
  I've loved u since that first day in 5th grade, when we sat in Ms.Rosers class.
  I could tell u everything about urself.
  Study u everyday, sitting in class just watching you.
  I have all the comics u ever made me.
  the story u made about me, the pictures u drew
  I have them all, i always have them with me
  You hugged me on the bus, even when i didn't want i...

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  What he doesn't know is I stay up everynight, wishing for him beside me.
  That his imperfections make me whole.
  I've loved u since that first day in 5th grade, when we sat in Ms.Rosers class.
  I could tell u everything about urself.
  Study u everyday, sitting in class just watching you.
  I have all the comics u ever made me.
  the story u made about me, the pictures u drew
  I have them all, i always have them with me
  You hugged me on the bus, even when i didn't want it (but deep down i loved it)
  You carried my books to class for me
  I sat on your lap and u held me
  you were the one that always made me smile
  you stopped me from cutting
  you stopped me from smoking
  you stopped me from being suicidal
  you were my friend, the best friend i could ever ask for
  you let me use ur jacket when i was cold( I never brought my own cause i loved urs)
  but no you are gone,
  I never got to tell you how i loved you,
  I was a fool ur gone!! u moved and i won't see u again.
  I love u!! but I never could tell u and now ur gone and it hurts worse than i thought it would.
  You are my love, no matter what
  I will love you all the days of my life.
  omg i just want you back but your gone
• Omg

  on Aug 14 4:30 PM 2009, 300 words. All. 1 comment.

  Hehe Random title.. I got the most amazing person as a friend and I just can't believe it. I'm overwhelmed by how lucky i am to know her and I just need to write it so I can get some of this hyperness out of me. this girl means the world to me!!
  Sarisssa: OMG I just love this girl everything is better if you just have her in your life. I might be depressed out of my mind but all she has to do is say hi to me and...

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  Hehe Random title.. I got the most amazing person as a friend and I just can't believe it. I'm overwhelmed by how lucky i am to know her and I just need to write it so I can get some of this hyperness out of me. this girl means the world to me!!
  Sarisssa: OMG I just love this girl everything is better if you just have her in your life. I might be depressed out of my mind but all she has to do is say hi to me and I will smile. All i have to do is see her Display picture and I will smile, thats how amazing this girl is!! Even if she is pissed off I know I'm still lucky to have her as a friend. Plus gives me a good warning never to get on her bad side, she might tell everyone in Texas to kill me, or drown a pic of me in the sink, lol. Okay I know she isn't that mean but I don't want her to be mad at me, she means to much to me and I never want to hurt her. I rather her be high on her lotion where she won't stop laughing or making me laugh until i lose my voice! ( which I finally got back! and would like to keep but that won't happen) But yup this girl is the most amazing person in the world. Really caring, really smart (even though u don't show it) Beautiful inside and outside as well(not hitting on u), amazing writer!! She is just out of this world amazing!! Like I'm still spell bound from a poem I read 2 days ago, its like WOAH!! that was freakin sweet. and she always trys to help me, and I'm stupid when I don't take her advice cause she is usually right. Hehe she is just the best person in the world to have as a friend & writing all this hasn't helped me cause i'm still hyper and I haven't even started to say how amazing she is!! I just love this girl!! She means the world to me and I'm happy to know her.
• day 1

  on Jul 26 10:11 PM 2009, 100 words. Me only. 0 comments.
• I'm Not Okay!

  on Jul 13 10:04 PM 2009, In Bitter, Depression, Diary, My own personal thoughts, Pain, Personal.  400 words. All. 5 comments.

  Every day for me is like a living Hell. Every breath I take feels like a knife to the heart. Faking this happy face everyday so my friends and family r happy. It feels like the razor blade slices through my arm everytime i say I'm ok but im not, those tears that fall burn my face when they roll down. I'm trapped inside my own mind of past memories and not living in the present, so maybe i should just stop the present from continuing, i seem to of lost my precious brat and one of my big sist...

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  Every day for me is like a living Hell. Every breath I take feels like a knife to the heart. Faking this happy face everyday so my friends and family r happy. It feels like the razor blade slices through my arm everytime i say I'm ok but im not, those tears that fall burn my face when they roll down. I'm trapped inside my own mind of past memories and not living in the present, so maybe i should just stop the present from continuing, i seem to of lost my precious brat and one of my big sisters, seems as torchwood is more important. ( u playing that game today was fine, cause i told u to) Happiness does exist ik it, i feel it almost everyday but there is always pain somewhere in the back. When I talk to Jessica I feel, she makes me happy i see as i do have a purpose, at least she gives me the time of day, she tells me she loves me when i need it most, with out her i would be gone way before now(Damn I love u sis!!! I can't live without u, plz don't leave me ). when i talk to Ivy, some1 as amazing as her takes the time out of her day to talk to me when she deals with millions of others shit. I loved when me and Abby just used to talk, and I would hold her and we would call each other brat. now i don't have any1 to bring a whole trunk load of big red to..I loved Lizzys stories when i would act like a 3 yr old and she would hold me telling me them. I love it when JT offers me hugs, or when i get a suprise visit from Dan.
  
  but now, Abby is gone it seems, Lizzy is busy with her soaps, I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm dumb, I'll never mount to anything in life, wasted space i am, Jt is moving, Dan is at military training, i want my parents to get along, i want to live but it ain;t going to happen. And I want to scream until I can't speak anymore that NO I'm not "OKAY." Because I would rather die a thousand deaths than have to live another minute in the utter agony that I live in now.
  
  The background is the same as Abby's profile page, she always had a wolf in her name or a DP so just a way of remembering her
• Best day of summer school

  on Jul 7 12:42 PM 2009, 200 words. All. 1 comment.

  Whoo best day of summer school yet!! ok we had a review over the semester exam before we took it so we were playing Koosh and the ball wasn't making contact with the smart board so we were throwing random things. (oh sorry forgot to mention, I am in summer school to graduate early) One of the things we threw were the farm animals that every1 used to have when they were kids. But they didn't work either but as Genisus in book smart, we are still kids at heart. This whole class of kids IQ 13...

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  Whoo best day of summer school yet!! ok we had a review over the semester exam before we took it so we were playing Koosh and the ball wasn't making contact with the smart board so we were throwing random things. (oh sorry forgot to mention, I am in summer school to graduate early) One of the things we threw were the farm animals that every1 used to have when they were kids. But they didn't work either but as Genisus in book smart, we are still kids at heart. This whole class of kids IQ 130 and up playing with little farm animals on the ground even our teacher played with us. I bet Mr.Mkenny saw us and though we went mentally insane, which may be true, but oh well. Then after school I went to the Zoo with my niece, my sister and her friend with her kids. Alyse walked across the whole play roon at the zoo today and she sorta bent her legs so its like yay!! (ppl that don't know I work at orphanages, I also helped disabled kids that r physically and mentally slow) Alyse was in only in half of her mothers womb so she did not grow correctly, she has both legs in casts, hands not fully functional, and can't talk. but k nows some sign lanuage. So great day for her to walk by herself after the zoo we came home and took naps and here i am writing this.

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