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Dear Journal (and readers), Sep 9th 2010. He dumped me the guy from he last entry dumped me. 5 freaking times!!! so people dont be giving me any crap bout what i write lately!!!! you got that okay good. ,Lily
Dear Journal (and readers), Sep 9th 2010.
He dumped me the guy from he last entry dumped me. 5 freaking times!!! so people dont be giving me any crap bout what i write lately!!!! you got that okay good.
,Lily
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JOSH IS ALIVE!!!!!!(josh was the dude I was talking about in a previous journal) I AM SO FREAKIN HAPPY I seriously wanna hug him to death!!!!! but i cant, he will be weirded out by my random happiness xD Its quite funny actually.. we ended up in drivers ed together and we just started talking and omg he gave me a pack of gum he is awesomes!!!!! I sit with him at lunch, and my friends would come up to us all hyper and shit and ...
JOSH IS ALIVE!!!!!!(josh was the dude I was talking about in a previous journal)
I AM SO FREAKIN HAPPY
I seriously wanna hug him to death!!!!!
but i cant, he will be weirded out by my random happiness xD
Its quite funny actually..
we ended up in drivers ed together and we just started talking and omg he gave me a pack of gum
he is awesomes!!!!!
I sit with him at lunch, and my friends would come up to us all hyper and shit and would say ooh and bug the hell out of us and lol it was funny yesterday but yeaaaaa
I just cant help but smile.
We always make jokes about suicide.
Like yesterday he was like for 50 bucks I would jump over that edge
then I was like I will do it for 20
then he was like i will do it for 10
then I was like I would do it for free
and he was like ok then.
Then I got up and got on the other side of the edge and he was like, seriously?! dont jump!
I was like geez dude I am just kidding. and then I got back to my seat.
He smiled when I sat back down.
Idk what it is but I just love him, he is my teddy bear, even though I dont hug him, I want to!
I cant explain it, I just wuvs him!!!!
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If I am feeling compelled to try, then why not go all out. Why else, would I be here in front of a computer screen and plying my way through all this self-doubt, don't you guys get it? I could be looking at life from a different perspective, lose this moribund eye, lose the trappings of the standard comfort riddled life and breath the filthy air of reality. Sure it could mean losing many things, money, stature, family, and most of all the simple gift of sanity and ingenuity. I could go for da...
If I am feeling compelled to try, then why not go all out. Why else, would I be here in front of a computer screen and plying my way through all this self-doubt, don't you guys get it? I could be looking at life from a different perspective, lose this moribund eye, lose the trappings of the standard comfort riddled life and breath the filthy air of reality. Sure it could mean losing many things, money, stature, family, and most of all the simple gift of sanity and ingenuity. I could go for days without any inspirational moments and then while eating a mundane sandwich, I end up with visions to drive half a dozen poems. Sometimes I like to think I would rather freeze to death while crossing the artic on foot with nothing more than a compass. It feels like I am isolated as it is anyways, so why fight it, those days of having my own clique are long past and behind me. All I know is I do get a sense of satisfaction whenever I pen another poem or journal and yes sometimes even create a new piece of music. What else can really compare to that sense of self and freedom of expression.
AngeloA
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They tell me what do to do, they push me around. They act like they're the boss of me, like i'm a little baby that has been given orders. I will not allow them to tell me how i should choose my descicion. I should be allowed to make my own desicions, im not a kid anymore, and i will not be treated that way.Whether it is a right or wrong answer it is still MY choice, not yours.You are not my conscience, or a thought. A descicion is hard, but no need to help me. My brain will help me think this...
They tell me what do to do, they push me around. They act like they're the boss of me, like i'm a little baby that has been given orders. I will not allow them to tell me how i should choose my descicion. I should be allowed to make my own desicions, im not a kid anymore, and i will not be treated that way.Whether it is a right or wrong answer it is still MY choice, not yours.You are not my conscience, or a thought. A descicion is hard, but no need to help me. My brain will help me think this through,not you.
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I just got out of a phyc. hospital where i was at for almost 3 weeks. Reason: i tried to off myself. but i have only one question... "why do people try sooo hard to save people who dont want to be alive, when they could be trying to save the dying people who want to be alive?"
I just got out of a phyc. hospital where i was at for almost 3 weeks. Reason: i tried to off myself. but i have only one question... "why do people try sooo hard to save people who dont want to be alive, when they could be trying to save the dying people who want to be alive?"
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so im hearing the song "teenage dream" by katy perry! i love that song!!!! and for that, ima put the lyrics on here vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv (p.s. just so u know, im singing this song... off key of couse lol) vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv "You think I'm pretty Without any make-up on You think I'm funny When I tell the punch line wrong I know you get me So I let my walls come down Down... ...
so im hearing the song "teenage dream" by katy perry!
i love that song!!!!
and for that, ima put the lyrics on here
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv (p.s. just so u know, im singing this song... off key of couse lol)
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
"You think I'm pretty
Without any make-up on
You think I'm funny
When I tell the punch line wrong
I know you get me
So I let my walls come down
Down...
Before you met me
I was alright
But things were kinda heavy
You brought me to life
Now every February
You'll be my Valentine,
Valentine...
Let's go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love
We can dance until we die
You and I
We'll be young forever
You make me
Feel like
I'm living a Teenage Dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's run away
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back
My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back
We drove to Cali
And got drunk on the beach
Got a motel and
Built a fort out of sheets
I finally found you
My missing puzzle piece
I'm complete
Let's go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love
We can dance until we die
You and I
We'll be young forever
You make me
Feel like
I'm living a Teenage Dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's run away
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back
My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back
Continue (FAST!)
Ima get your heart racing
In my skin-tights jeans
Be your Teenage Dream tonight
Let you put your hands on me
In my skin-tight jeans
Be your Teenage Dream tonight
Tonight,tonight,tonight,
Tonight,tonight,tonight
Yoooouuu...
You make me
Feel like
I'm livin' a Teenage Dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's run away
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back
No...
My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't e...
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THE NEXT BIG WRITER WEBSITE CONTACTED ME FROM OVER THERE WANTED ME TO COME BACK AFTER THEY FOUND OUT THAT I HAD LEFT. THEY WERE RUDE TO ME AND NO ONE HAD ANY OUNCE OF REGRET OR REMORSE. WHEN I WENT TO CRITIQUE THEIR WORK I DID IT WITH A KIND HEART AND THEY ATTACKED ME. SO I LEFT BECAUSE 1- YOU CAN'T POST A NEW CHAPTER WITH ...
THE NEXT BIG WRITER WEBSITE CONTACTED ME FROM OVER THERE WANTED ME TO COME BACK AFTER THEY FOUND OUT THAT I HAD LEFT. THEY WERE RUDE TO ME AND NO ONE HAD ANY OUNCE OF REGRET OR REMORSE. WHEN I WENT TO CRITIQUE THEIR WORK I DID IT WITH A KIND HEART AND THEY ATTACKED ME. SO I LEFT BECAUSE 1- YOU CAN'T POST A NEW CHAPTER WITH OUT BUYING OR EARNING NEW CREDITS, AND 2- IT IS EXPENSIVE AND I LIKE STORY WRITE IS BETTER BECAUSE I CAN ADD A THREE MONTH MEMBERSHIP OVER HERE AT ANYTIME.
I HAVE MET A LOT OF NICE PEOPLE.
LUCIE
THERE IS NO WAY I AM RETURN INTO THE NEXT BIG WRITER'S AS IT IS TO EXPENSIVE AND TO BUY THEIR CREDITS ARE TO EXPENSIVE.
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Sometimes i wonder....
If anyone can see the pain
If anyone would care, if they saw it
Sometimes i wonder...
Does my best friend see the hit marks?
Does my boyfriend notice how edgy i am
Does anyone hear my screams; pleads for a hand to hold
Sometimes i wonder...
If my closest friends know me all that well
If i can be happy for a day
Sometimes i wonder....
If anyone can see the pain
If anyone would care, if they saw it
Sometimes i wonder...
Does my best friend see the hit marks?
Does my boyfriend notice how edgy i am
Does anyone hear my screams; pleads for a hand to hold
Sometimes i wonder...
If my closest friends know me all that well
If i can be happy for a day
If i can go one day without shedding a tear
If i will have the bravery to get help with the cutting
If my parents can stay sober for a week
If i can go five minutes without being made fun of
Sometimes i wonder
If i'll see tomorrow, because the way my life is heading, i dont think I'll be here that much longer.
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Well if you didnt know today is To Write Love on her arms its suicide prevention wehre you write love on your arms (wel duhh its the title) I wrote love on my arms 4 times 1 on each wrist and 1 on the underside of both forarms cause for me the ones on my wrists are 'cause i attempted twice and i want to help all who need it and on my for amrs i have had a friend commit suicide and one attempt and i want to spread awareness but today a air head prep was like wtf is with people writing love on ...
Well if you didnt know today is To Write Love on her arms its suicide prevention wehre you write love on your arms (wel duhh its the title) I wrote love on my arms 4 times 1 on each wrist and 1 on the underside of both forarms cause for me the ones on my wrists are 'cause i attempted twice and i want to help all who need it and on my for amrs i have had a friend commit suicide and one attempt and i want to spread awareness but today a air head prep was like wtf is with people writing love on their arms i explained it and she said well anyone who thinks suicadal thoughts should just go fuck off and die it took all i had not to scream its people like you that make it troublesom for people with real problems who dont live a fucking god damn perfect life like you to come out for help cause they dont want ridicule i told no one what the ones on my wrist ment and im just like yea suicide is a big problem along with self injury and depression no one can understand why im so addament on helping people it takes one who went through hell to drag those seeking refuge out
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In my life, there are certain rules that I obey at ALL times: 1.) Show NO mercy 2.) Don't trust anyone that has the "unknown aura" 3.) No matter what people say, you are a whore just like most of the people in the world 4.) When you attack, you ALWAYS have the intent to kill 5.)People are not always who they say they are, therefore ALL MUST SUFFER There are also certain things that certain people cannot touch......(if you are thinking what I think you are thi...
In my life, there are certain rules that I obey at ALL times:
1.) Show NO mercy
2.) Don't trust anyone that has the "unknown aura"
3.) No matter what people say, you are a whore just like most of the people in the world
4.) When you attack, you ALWAYS have the intent to kill
5.)People are not always who they say they are, therefore ALL MUST SUFFER
There are also certain things that certain people cannot touch......(if you are thinking what I think you are thinking, GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!)
HAVE A .......RANDOM........DAY?????????
I really don't know what's going on....I'm slow today....
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ahh i feel like my life is scattered out right now. i mean seriously I FUCKING HATE DRAMA i feel thats what my life is right now i hate it. i hate school the only reason im here is friends guys and girls
ahh i feel like my life is scattered out right now. i mean seriously I FUCKING HATE DRAMA i feel thats what my life is right now i hate it. i hate school the only reason im here is friends guys and girls
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Its soo funny when ppl think i actually give a damn about them! seriously there are some ppl i care about but other ppl just act like they are the center of the universe and that everyone should stop and worship them, and it makes me laugh when they have that "deer in the headlights" look when i say And I Care Why? Plz post comments on your opinion of this type of thing Im open to any and all opinions.
Its soo funny when ppl think i actually give a damn about them!
seriously there are some ppl i care about but other ppl just act like they are the center of the universe and that everyone should stop and worship them, and it makes me laugh when they have that "deer in the headlights" look when i say And I Care Why? Plz post comments on your opinion of this type of thing Im open to any and all opinions.
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ahh i feel like my life is scattered out right now. i mean seriously I FUCKING HATE DRAMA i feel thats what my life is right now i hate it. i hate school the only reason im here is friends guys and girls
ahh i feel like my life is scattered out right now. i mean seriously I FUCKING HATE DRAMA i feel thats what my life is right now i hate it. i hate school the only reason im here is friends guys and girls
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hmmm have you ever wondered why shy guys are ignored sporty guys are adored mean guys are noticed and nice guys are...well unnoticed... and if every guy realised ... every girl is a limited edition, that one is special edition yet every guy treats them just like they are an average adition.. just some thoughts ive had
hmmm have you ever wondered why
shy guys are ignored
sporty guys are adored
mean guys are noticed
and nice guys are...well unnoticed...
and if every guy realised ... every girl is a limited edition, that one is special edition yet every guy treats them just like they are an average adition..
just some thoughts ive had
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there's this guy i know who's crazy about me and i know he loves me and i know he would never hurt me and i wish he was the one i wanted, i really do, but he's just not right he's like a guy/girl, i tell him all my deepest darkest secrets. Well i did but how do you tell someone things after they tell you they're in love with you, It's hard, believe me. He's amazing and i love him but i cant have him because for one thing it would be weird and because there's someone else for me, someone ...
there's this guy i know who's crazy about me and i know he loves me and i know he would never hurt me and i wish he was the one i wanted, i really do, but he's just not right he's like a guy/girl, i tell him all my deepest darkest secrets. Well i did but how do you tell someone things after they tell you they're in love with you, It's hard, believe me.
He's amazing and i love him but i cant have him because for one thing it would be weird and because there's someone else for me, someone that he doesnt know about. Kira would od anything for me and he's like the perfect guy, just not for me.
if i were a book,
ma gurl wuld b tha best chaptr,
culd tell by her luk dat she got tha x facta,
i luv ma shawty she make me feel liek a king brah,
i lay down sum flows,
while she sings on the gitaaHh,
we fite now nd then,
but im shaw ima keep 'er
luv her soo much nd,
im sho i cant leave her,
look up 2 tha sky realiz im so lucky
im on cloud 9
nd it from her love 4 me.
but now thangz r hard,
she say dat im playn,
IM SORRY gurl r tha words u jeep sayn,
but words r just words,
actions deffs speak louda,
luk in 2 ya eyes nd i culdnt be prouda
memories of yhu nd me holdin hands everywhere,
now ya no what im thinkn
nd ya no dat i care
ya attitude haz changd
now ur a hats
make a lil mistake
nd all ya show iz ya anger,
and now im soo lost,
sayn srry iz old,
yhuv left ma whole world,
now ma world iz so cold,
yhu wonda y im not tlkn no mo,
got nuthn ta say,
srry gurl gtta go.
i'm not sure if you can understand that, he's mouri so he speaks funny, but he just sent that to me half way through writing this. i love him but his best friend is the one that i want, only Kira dont know that n now i feel like a bitch for dogging my best friend fahk im so confused!!!
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Oh........ How much I hated They didn't feel what I felt Felt inferior and trembling "Oh my God, I just wanted to give idea and opinions." Why were you laughing at me like that?
Oh........ How much I hated
They didn't feel what I felt
Felt inferior and trembling
"Oh my God, I just wanted to give idea and opinions."
Why were you laughing at me like that?
We were all equally students
You were smart ass....
I hated you!
But Sorry'
I actually I really Love you because you are my friendssssss.....
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Well...I guess the saying must be true, after all...there is no such thing as a smart one (when they're trying to prove that they're not sluts) and the best one, must truly be a dead one! Katherine Heigl? Why do blondes smile when they see lightning? They think they're getting their picture taken! What about the law-abiding, diligent one who saw a 'wet floor' sign in the ladies room and then did?
Well...I guess the saying must be true, after all...there is no such thing as a smart one (when they're trying to prove that they're not sluts) and the best one, must truly be a dead one! Katherine Heigl? Why do blondes smile when they see lightning? They think they're getting their picture taken! What about the law-abiding, diligent one who saw a 'wet floor' sign in the ladies room and then did?
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I dont care what happens to me anymore. I really dont. Ive given up on life so much, im tired of pretending and faking it. Im cutting off all contacts with people. and im just gonna stay in bed Wishing && Hoping things go my way. Ive prayed to God the same Prayer over and over, i dont think he even listens to me anymore. If my old science teacher was still in my life, everything would be fine. He gave me Hope & i never doubted him for one second. Untill he told me he never cared ...
I dont care what happens to me anymore. I really dont. Ive given up on life so much, im tired of pretending and faking it. Im cutting off all contacts with people. and im just gonna stay in bed Wishing && Hoping things go my way. Ive prayed to God the same Prayer over and over, i dont think he even listens to me anymore.
If my old science teacher was still in my life, everything would be fine. He gave me Hope & i never doubted him for one second. Untill he told me he never cared about me. Now hes acting like that never happened. Like he forgot about telling me that. I just dont understand, how can somebody tell you they dont care about you, after all the effort they put into helping you then turn around and pretend they never said it?
That made me realize, Hes Not my hero! And that i CANT Trust him! idk what to do!
I wish my old wellness teacher was in my life. I Dont think hes ever gonna forget me. (:
He talked to me when i was havin a hard time. He really understood me. And we really had a good teacher -student Bond. I wish me & my old science teacher coulda had that. But he wasnt as smart as my old wellness teacher was. I looked for my old wellness teacher on Facebook & Found him. but was too scared to add him, incase he wouldnt accept me. I miss him.
I feel better now, alil.
but im still gonna get high before bed.
Nite guys!
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Our burden is ours alone to bear, noneone can hold it for us, the only one that can it is yourself
Our burden is ours alone to bear, noneone can hold it for us, the only one that can it is yourself
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I hate feeling fear. I'm normally not afraid but there was a quadruple homicide in the trailer park here where I live. It was bad enough when I moved here some women had been raped. Now murders. Today was hard on me. I'm skitzo and multiple personalities as you all know and my paranoia is emence. I spent most of the day looking over my shoulder. Every noise made me jump expecually the neighbor banging the hell out of his house with a hammer. I didn't feel like I could breath till 4pm when my ...
I hate feeling fear. I'm normally not afraid but there was a quadruple homicide in the trailer park here where I live. It was bad enough when I moved here some women had been raped. Now murders. Today was hard on me. I'm skitzo and multiple personalities as you all know and my paranoia is emence. I spent most of the day looking over my shoulder. Every noise made me jump expecually the neighbor banging the hell out of his house with a hammer. I didn't feel like I could breath till 4pm when my husband walked through the door. I sat on the porch for about an hour but I had my Ka-bar Marine corps knife by my side. I watched some young adults about 19-25 walk on the road and my hand stayed on the knife till they went past my house. I don't like feeling like this and going somewhere else in this trailer park won't make it any better. I got in my truck and drove around town just to get a break from my paranoia. Didn't help much. I just want to go home. My home in Kentucky now. We are moving the first week of June next year defiantly. And that can't come soon enough for me. I just feel I'm in a cage now more than ever.
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Well I believe thise letter is overdue I want to know why you hurt me my sister and brother your very own kids and yet when My dad confronted you about some of it you said I dont remember well What the..... How can you forget opening my neck or forcing me to sleep in the laundry under feeding me or kicking down lil's door or slapping her so much her neck swelled to her face I FUCKING remember this every day and night in my nightmares I remembr everything you did and you blame drugs and alchoh...
Well I believe thise letter is overdue I want to know why you hurt me my sister and brother your very own kids and yet when My dad confronted you about some of it you said I dont remember well What the..... How can you forget opening my neck or forcing me to sleep in the laundry under feeding me or kicking down lil's door or slapping her so much her neck swelled to her face I FUCKING remember this every day and night in my nightmares I remembr everything you did and you blame drugs and alchohol well ITs not enough you say your clean Lil tries and talk to you but your still verbally abusive and spit your hate I heard you raised your hand at her well I would be the first one over thier pushing your head through the dry wall i may not have been able to protect them then to cowerdly even I remember every night of every time I could of helped waking up coverd in sweat and tears almost screaming every nightmare I honestly dont want you to die just yet i want you to suffer more during life through your addictions and vices and When you die I hope You burn in hell and rot Im the son you axlled on his 16th birthday at 10pm saying you're an accedent I wish I aborted you well I block every number you use to call me Im supposedly not gonna graduate highschool and be a coked out heroin addict like you well you know what FUCK YOU AND ALL YOU ARE I HATE YOU look im actually cryng now I never cry anymore not when you ruined my final goodbye to my sitto lil not when you beat me but I hate you I truely truely do and i dont hate anyone ive learned to forgive I can never forgive you though
Sincerly the Mistake and the one person who may actually end your life if you touch anyone in my family Your biological son Cody
p.s. You will rot in HEll
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