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by Wind Chaser
6 hours ago, In Anger, Angst, Bitter, Depression, Escape, Hate, My life, Pain, Personal, Teen issues.
100 words.
All.
0 comments.
Had two sexual encounters on Wednesday with guys I didn't really know. Cut myself again last night, it was worse than last time. But, it was a release. I just want to be held and told everything will be okay! But, I know it's not going to happen. I'm lost, I don't know who I even am anymore. I feel like one of these days I'm just going to quit caring and I'm going to let go of all the control I have fought so hard to maintain. If that happens, I know someone will end up hurt.
Had two sexual encounters on Wednesday with guys I didn't really know. Cut myself again last night, it was worse than last time. But, it was a release. I just want to be held and told everything will be okay! But, I know it's not going to happen. I'm lost, I don't know who I even am anymore.
I feel like one of these days I'm just going to quit caring and I'm going to let go of all the control I have fought so hard to maintain. If that happens, I know someone will end up hurt.
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At the ER at Skiff, being transferred to Mercy-Franklin. Been here since 12ish. Crystal stayed till almost two. Talked to Rachel. Want and need to talk to Sid, tried calling. He was sleeping. I'm terrified of how he will react when he finds out, and if he will care enough to come when I need him. I love him so much it hurts. Granted, he didn't know when he broke up with me yesterday that it was the worst thing he could do at the moment. I just want to run. I'm tired ...
At the ER at Skiff, being transferred to Mercy-Franklin. Been here since 12ish. Crystal stayed till almost two. Talked to Rachel. Want and need to talk to Sid, tried calling. He was sleeping.
I'm terrified of how he will react when he finds out, and if he will care enough to come when I need him. I love him so much it hurts. Granted, he didn't know when he broke up with me yesterday that it was the worst thing he could do at the moment.
I just want to run. I'm tired of waiting... I'm tired of fighting. I just can't feel right now; it's easier not to.
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It's a constant battle to be good enough. To be able to measure up to everyone else's standards. But I'm never allowed to pass the test. The eyes are a mirror into the soul. It's too bad no one ever sees the truth reflected in them... Why can I pretend I'm okay and everyone believes it, but when I show them that I'm not they think I should be? Some people believe in hell, but the truth is life itself is hell. Why do I feel unworthy of being happy or of being loved? The...
It's a constant battle to be good enough. To be able to measure up to everyone else's standards. But I'm never allowed to pass the test. The eyes are a mirror into the soul. It's too bad no one ever sees the truth reflected in them... Why can I pretend I'm okay and everyone believes it, but when I show them that I'm not they think I should be?
Some people believe in hell, but the truth is life itself is hell. Why do I feel unworthy of being happy or of being loved?
The voices talk to me and I answer. Some would call me crazy, but for me it's normal.
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STEVEN SANDERS YOU ARE A DEAD MUTHER FUCKER!!! I KNOW YOU DID NOT JUST BREAK UP WITH MY BEST FRIEND! WELL I TOLD YOU WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU HURT HER AND YOU JUST DIDN'T BELIEVE ME DID YOU!? WELL NOW YOU AREN'T GOING TO HAVE FUCKING KIDS YOU DUMB SHIT! FUCK YOU FOR HURTING HER! I HOPE YOU FUCKING BURN IN HELL!!!!!!! NOW IM GOING TO HAVE DO BOIL YOUR DICK OFF LIKE I SAID I WOULD. THEN IM GOING TO SLOWLY MURDER YOU YOU ...
STEVEN SANDERS YOU ARE A DEAD MUTHER FUCKER!!!
I KNOW YOU DID NOT JUST BREAK UP WITH MY BEST FRIEND! WELL I TOLD YOU WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU HURT HER AND YOU JUST DIDN'T BELIEVE ME DID YOU!? WELL NOW YOU AREN'T GOING TO HAVE FUCKING KIDS YOU DUMB SHIT! FUCK YOU FOR HURTING HER! I HOPE YOU FUCKING BURN IN HELL!!!!!!! NOW IM GOING TO HAVE DO BOIL YOUR DICK OFF LIKE I SAID I WOULD. THEN IM GOING TO SLOWLY MURDER YOU YOU DUMB LITTLE SHIT!!!!!! YOU ARE SO FUCKING DEAD. I CAN'T WAIT TO GET A HOLD OF YOU!
FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!
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by An Empty World
on Jul 26 11:18 PM, In Anger, Death, Hurt, Life, Love, Pain, Personal, Real, Sadness, Suicide.
300 words.
All.
0 comments.
Dear Zach, I miss you and everything you were to me. I miss your smile, your odd sayings, your cute gestures, and your unbelievable talent at making me laugh. You were there for me through so much of my life. Even on that last day you were there... asking ME how I was. I remember everything you said to me that day, EVERYTHING. I even remember how happy I was being back in that spot with you back to that closeness from our childhood days. Zach... when I think about what you d...
Dear Zach,
I miss you and everything you were to me. I miss your smile, your odd sayings, your cute gestures, and your unbelievable talent at making me laugh. You were there for me through so much of my life. Even on that last day you were there... asking ME how I was. I remember everything you said to me that day, EVERYTHING. I even remember how happy I was being back in that spot with you back to that closeness from our childhood days.
Zach... when I think about what you did and how you supposedly never planned it, it hurts me. Do you regret it? After you did it, did you think "Oh shit... no!" or was there a sense of relief? Was it really what you wanted or did you just act on anger and hurt?
I should've known. I should have noticed that look on your face and read into it a lot closer. I should have told you how important you were to everyone including me and promised to call you that night.
Your poor brother. What he saw... it will forever be etched into my brain. It's a nightmare that I can't stop living inside my head. And Im sure it's 100 times worse for him. I closemy eyes and instead of seeing that happy smiling face, I see what he saw... and it kills me inside to know that that was you. My Zachariah Micheal Gerald McDougal.
Everyone claims to have a different piece to the puzzle, some new information that nobody else knows... something that will explain to everyone else, what the truth was. But I know you did it on purpose... the shed was short... if you had any second thoughts about the pain, the loss of air, you would've simply placed your feet back onto the ground. And thats what hurts me the most.
I'll never forget you, or the way I felt about you. And your funeral will never be erased from my mind. The enormous ammount of people who loved you... I just wish you would've known that hun.
I love you buddy, and I hope you're having a wonderful time in heaven and/or beyond. You deserve that break you so desperately attempted to get, and I'm sorry you felt that was the only way out. See you on the other side, man.
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Well, it's been a long time since I've written a journal on here. But I have much to tell, so here it goes. My friend invited me to her birthday party and I had to find a new swimsuit. So when my dad took me to find one, all the stores were closed! We had to go to two different Walmarts to find a swimsuit because they were the only stores close to us that were open. We finally found a swimsuit that was my size in the second Walmart. I had to shop in the women's section because there wasn't an...
Well, it's been a long time since I've written a journal on here. But I have much to tell, so here it goes. My friend invited me to her birthday party and I had to find a new swimsuit. So when my dad took me to find one, all the stores were closed! We had to go to two different Walmarts to find a swimsuit because they were the only stores close to us that were open. We finally found a swimsuit that was my size in the second Walmart. I had to shop in the women's section because there wasn't any swimsuits in the kids section or the juniors section. I can barely fit in the juniors section! Luckily I found an extra small black top in the womens section. Then we had to find a matching bottom and that was not easy. We eventually found some short-like bottoms but they were a size medium and that's the smallest there was... So you can imagine how big they were on me. But we bought it anyways. On Saturday my dad took me to my friend's house. When all the people finally made it to the party, we got all our stuff together and we had to get in one of the cars because there were too many peple just to take one. One of the cars was already full, so I had to get in the other. There was only three seats in the back and there was four of us. They made me sit up front. Alone. Everytime I got to my friend's party, I get left out. When we were swimming in the river, they all got together in a group and talked about who knows what, but I wasn't involved. So I was just swimming by myself. When we got in our tubes and floated down the river, they passed out air heads and there was only six in the pack and there was seven of us... Gues who didn't get one. Yup, it was me who didn't get one. they didn't talk to me while we were floating down the river. When we unconnected our tubes, they all caught up to each other and left me behind. I would get stuck in trees and on rocks and no one would help me. When we stopped on the shore for snacks, they took all the chips and I only got two or three. Then they didn't talk to me. When we got to our cookout spot, only one person talked to me. When we got to my friend's house, I didn't have a group to hang out with. I had to go back and forth just to find someone to talk to. The next morning after everyone ate people started leaving and I was the only one left so me and my friend could hang out. But she decided she wanted another friend over and invited her friend over. So when she got there, they completely didn't talk to me, so I had to c...
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I FUCKING HATE IT HERE!!!!! im always dizzy, its boring as hell!!! the food is nasty, everything is made differently, i wanna go home.*starts wailing and crying i wanna go home* *still cryin* i dont care that ill only get to do this once!! i hate it here!!!!!! if I dont get u guys (ki,alex,ty,britt) anything, im sorry, theres no gift shop at the hotel and im not supposed to leave the hotel, i wanna go home i hate it here! sure, double decker buses are fun but its still kinda boring..............
I FUCKING HATE IT HERE!!!!! im always dizzy, its boring as hell!!! the food is nasty, everything is made differently, i wanna go home.*starts wailing and crying i wanna go home* *still cryin* i dont care that ill only get to do this once!! i hate it here!!!!!! if I dont get u guys (ki,alex,ty,britt) anything, im sorry, theres no gift shop at the hotel and im not supposed to leave the hotel, i wanna go home i hate it here! sure, double decker buses are fun but its still kinda boring........... I WANNA GO HOME!!!!!!! im homesick, my chest is aching, i wanna go home. and just to let u guys know, i cried on the inside writing this.....
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by Rustyrazor
on Jul 24 8:36 PM, In Anger, Angst, Contemplative, Freewrite, Hate, Life, Pain, Teen issues, Thoughts, War.
800 words.
All.
1 comment.
24 July 2010 - Yep, it's been quite a while since I wrote, or posted anything upon my page in the form of personal journal... Well, give the Devil his final due will ya, cause my wicked lil' hands have not been completely idle all the while! Nay, to the contrary I say, I have posted a good many more poems of mine upon my AP page and highlighted a good many of them upon this poetry site in hopes of everyday new discoveries by those out there in AP land ever searching for a po...
24 July 2010 -
Yep, it's been quite a while since I wrote, or posted anything upon my page in the form of personal journal...
Well, give the Devil his final due will ya, cause my wicked lil' hands have not been completely idle all the while! Nay, to the contrary I say, I have posted a good many more poems of mine upon my AP page and highlighted a good many of them upon this poetry site in hopes of everyday new discoveries by those out there in AP land ever searching for a poetic diamond in the rough and of course to entertain my loyal friends and stalwart viewers.
Which, in turn gives me some small sense of; belonging, acceptance, and relative kindred among the socially flakey throngs of this jaded race, "We call human, yet they remain quite unsociably inhumane at times"...
With the exception of the compassionately faithful few that converse and share with me their works and souls.
Although, quite often it would candidly seem that here on AP; the more that I write, the less it is seen, the more that I speak, the less I am heard, the more that I rage with expression for some form of attention good or bad, the less I am accepted or tolerated, the more that I cry out for recognition or praise, the less I am positively received or welcomed...
Why, just the other day I was in the AP chatterbox for the first time and I tried to intelligently converse with the younger generation socializing there and I was completely ignored and overlooked by this; "snot nosed", "en vogue click", simply because I was the elder figure now trying to chat and invading the social space of these young guys and gals in their late teens or early twenties. Just like I was some out of touch authority figure just trying to "butt-in" which by the way none of these older kids bother to respect anymore, especially in America it seems during these darker days of instability from the top to the bottom of our late, great nation...
Yeah, so I tried to be cool, I even tried rather foolishly to speak their gansta, ghetto ebonics lingo but, that went over with those bunch of; little, still wet behind the ears, stuck-up rude, inconsiderate, half-grown whelps, like a huge turd in the proverbial sweet hunch punch bowl of life, I stank the whole dang; chillin', hanging-out scene, up to the high heavens.
So, they commenced to publically shunning and even randomly cursing me in some rather uniquely ignorant ways that even I had never even heard o...
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It has been a year. A whole year. Since he left me. Since he failed to say goodbye. I guess when you are going away to war, goodbye is too final. Almost like signing you're death certificate. I'll never forget what he said to me instead of goodbye. He told me we could have another chance at love when he got home. He promised with conditions. Little did he know, I've loved him since day one. When we first met, something drew me towards him. Ever since, he's always in my mind....
It has been a year. A whole year. Since he left me. Since he failed to say goodbye. I guess when you are going away to war, goodbye is too final. Almost like signing you're death certificate.
I'll never forget what he said to me instead of goodbye. He told me we could have another chance at love when he got home. He promised with conditions.
Little did he know, I've loved him since day one. When we first met, something drew me towards him. Ever since, he's always in my mind. Through all the girlfriends he has had. Through all my attempts at boyfriends. Through the death and divorce. Through the move across country and the training. Then even across seas. I still loved him.
He'll be home soon. He is with someone else. My ex-best friend to be exact. It is not important why there is an ex in front of the words. All that is important is that my heart is breaking. Hate is growing. I'm losing him and he does not even remember his promise to me.
I no longer matter to him. My conclusion is that war and distance and time have changed him. While i still love him, he is blind to me, the constant support and shoulder to cry on. I'm the invisible friend, who appears at the times when needed most and is forgotten until another period of disappointment.
I'm losing him. I cannot fight for him. Cannot convince him. He cannot know, because I am a strong independent person. I do not need the strength of a man beside me, but yet I allow this heartbreak. Hopefully, this will be the end of this love. Hopefully, my heart has learned a lesson.
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by JustAnotherVictim.
on Jul 19 5:03 PM, In Abuse, Anger, Angry, Death, Depression, Emo, My life, Pain, Personal, Sad, Suicide.
1,100 words.
Me only.
0 comments.
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Ok I do realize how hard it is to get writings published and to become big and how most young writers don't get published because we don't know everything about writing. Well yeah I asked some people on how i could get some stuffed published because that is like the biggest dream of my life ya know. And well they like totally crushed my dreams. it was like "BAM! you won't get anything published you dont know a thing about writing. your writings most likely suck and you need to grow up and get...
Ok I do realize how hard it is to get writings published and to become big and how most young writers don't get published because we don't know everything about writing. Well yeah I asked some people on how i could get some stuffed published because that is like the biggest dream of my life ya know. And well they like totally crushed my dreams. it was like "BAM! you won't get anything published you dont know a thing about writing. your writings most likely suck and you need to grow up and get real" Seriously i'm only 14 but i know a shit load og stuff. guarentee my spelling isn't great or m stuff might not be interesting but their is this author named Elena Hopkins (not sure if i spelled her name right) but the stuff she writes is just amazing. she is like the main reason I started writing hardcore stuff and went deep to find my ideas. but i'm not sure if i wanna keep writing now. i mean my friends say i write good but are they only saying that because i'm their friend? sometimes i think so. but whatever...biggest dream of my life got crushed
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by always unwanted
on Jul 15 6:06 PM, In Adult, Anger, Hate, Life, Love, My life, Other, Pain, Personal, Sad, Self.
100 words.
All.
0 comments.
i love him he knows to a degree but he want do anything about it he likes me enogh to fuck me and be friends but all becuase im im two and a few months younger he want give it a chanse ive liked for ever but nothing has ever really been up untill a few months ago and even before thaut weve known how weve felt but weve done NOTHING about it untill now and everything!!! this is so my falt becuase i told him that i wanted it and i did i still do but now i love him even more!! god i wished that i...
i love him he knows to a degree but he want do anything about it he likes me enogh to fuck me and be friends but all becuase im im two and a few months younger he want give it a chanse ive liked for ever but nothing has ever really been up untill a few months ago and even before thaut weve known how weve felt but weve done NOTHING about it untill now and everything!!! this is so my falt becuase i told him that i wanted it and i did i still do but now i love him even more!! god i wished that i would die i really do!
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It really pisses me off when people are so damn stubborn and idiotic that they can't see how...foolish and hurtful their stereotypes are! Take homophobia for instance. So many people are discriminatory against the gays just for liking people of the same sex. Homosexuals are having their rights- rights that are in the CONSTITUTION- stripped from them for no apparent reason, much less a credible one. And some people try to put up the Christianity argument. 'Gays are s...
It really pisses me off when people are so damn stubborn and idiotic that they can't see how...foolish and hurtful their stereotypes are! Take homophobia for instance. So many people are discriminatory against the gays just for liking people of the same sex. Homosexuals are having their rights- rights that are in the CONSTITUTION- stripped from them for no apparent reason, much less a credible one.
And some people try to put up the Christianity argument. 'Gays are sinful and are destined for Hell because they don't believe in the ways of God' and all that shit. Three words to that: What. The. Fuck? Are you retarded or something. Since when did you start speaking for the gay community? Who's to say that gays aren't Christian; that they don't believe in God and whatnot? It is in the first amendment of the Constitution that people have the right to their own religion. People act like Christianity is the only religion on Earth(or any other planet for that matter). They are so conceited and presumptuous to say that their religion is the only correct one when there's hundreds more on Earth.
Also, why is a gay person's sex life anyone's buisness? You don't go around questioning heterosexual sex. So, just because two people are of the same gender, it means everyone suddenly has the right to pry in their person life? Again I say, what the hell?! Because you're in love with someone of the same sex, you get to have your fundemental rights taken away?
Furthermore, people go and compare homosexuality to bestiality and pedophilia! How the hell are those things synonymous?! Even the most ignorant of people could tell the difference. The main difference is that what two men or women get up to is consensual. Having sex with a child- a child! someone underage and illegal!- and an animal is not.
It is unfathomable to me as to why homosexuality is now crime. Homophobia is wrong on many levels. Love is love.
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You tell me that I can make it through this and it will only make me stronger but it's too much to bare. You tell me suicide is not an out but you have no idea about anything in my life and how bad it is. So don't even bother to. I hate that when you look at me you seem disappointed and you think that your helping but you only make things worse. The only thing that keeps me alive are my friends and our pets because they make me feel loved. You expect me to go on living my life like nothing is...
You tell me that I can make it through this and it will only make me stronger but it's too much to bare. You tell me suicide is not an out but you have no idea about anything in my life and how bad it is. So don't even bother to. I hate that when you look at me you seem disappointed and you think that your helping but you only make things worse. The only thing that keeps me alive are my friends and our pets because they make me feel loved. You expect me to go on living my life like nothing is wrong when deep down I'm broken inside. I find it annoying when you say life is good well it's not good for me and all of the other people who want to kill themselves. I can see it in the headlines now another teenager commits suicide. Maybe that will finally make you see that suicide is the only way to escape this nightmare in which I just so happen to call my life. My friends would ask what was so bad to make her do that to herself and you would ask what could have we done to prevent this? Well the simple answer is this you couldn't have you can't fix what has been broken and I wouldn't have wanted you to anyway. Wouldn't it be sad if I killed myself on my 16th birthday it will be coming up in the next couple of weeks, August 1st. I was going to prolong it until September 11 since so many people died on that day anyway what's one more? The only problem with that is that it is too long of a wait and I don't know if I can hang in for the ride. I know God will forgive me for my last sin because I have accepted him as my savior and after all he is great enough to forgive. I already know what Sierra's view is about the whole thing. She believes that i would be stupid if I do kill myself. Well I'm sorry but some people just don't make it to the end. I can picture it now on the news "Another teenager dies due to suicide in the Valley." People would feel remorse and beat themselves up for treating me badly and they would cry uncontrolably. At my funeral people would leave early because they can't take seeing me in a casket. I would be buried and in 3 months everyone would forget about me. It would be almost like I was never born and that's all I've wanted for awhile to have never been born. I want you to know that you wouldn't have been able to save me no one would have been. So the only question left is how will I do it? Will I slit my wrist so I can bleed to death or will I leave this world from a "painless" overdose(it hurts like hell, whoever said that it would be o...
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I think if you re-read Rule 5) it will be self-explanatory.
I think if you re-read Rule 5) it will be self-explanatory.
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My brother always has to piss me off! When i was trying to take a nap he came up to my ear and started yelling and clapping in my freakin ear! Does he really have to do that!
My brother always has to piss me off! When i was trying to take a nap he came up to my ear and started yelling and clapping in my freakin ear! Does he really have to do that!
I keep having dreams about that person i like. I really want to go back to that camp next year Because there might be a chance that i get that person as a councler. It just makes me wanna cry everytime i think about that person.
Miley cyrus... Well i dont got anything to say about her.. All i have to say about her is that she is a $lut and she should die.
I dont feel like writing storys today.. I just wanna be left alone. I like a few of miley cyrus's songs...
This song fits my mood right now.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cBZBeNfxwI
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by Memmy-94
on Jul 7 6:35 PM, In Anger, Angry, Letter, Lost, Miscarriage, Pain, Personal, Sad, Sadness, Thoughts.
200 words.
Friends only.
1 comment.
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Oh just fuck my life. Dude you saved my life and I took a break!! When I got back you were gone!! I want you all to myself!! And Josh man i told you to stay online because Seth wasn't and what do you do? You don't!! God i'm going through a lot and you just don't understand!! Like I Said Only Seth understands!!
Oh just fuck my life. Dude you saved my life and I took a break!! When I got back you were gone!! I want you all to myself!! And Josh man i told you to stay online because Seth wasn't and what do you do? You don't!! God i'm going through a lot and you just don't understand!! Like I Said Only Seth understands!!
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Usually I'm a really laid-back person, but there are sooo many things that just wind me up. So, I have decided I need to vent somewhere: here. This little rant is about... -Gullible people. And no, I don't mean the sweet gullible types like the dwarf from Snow White, I mean the ones who think they've got it all going for them, and who- let's face it- are just a little bit thick. There's one girl I have PE GCSE with (there's only 7 girls in our class,...
Usually I'm a really laid-back person, but there are sooo many things that just wind me up.
So, I have decided I need to vent somewhere: here. This little rant is about...
-Gullible people.
And no, I don't mean the sweet gullible types like the dwarf from Snow White, I mean the ones who think they've got it all going for them, and who- let's face it- are just a little bit thick. There's one girl I have PE GCSE with (there's only 7 girls in our class, so physical's a bit deserted) who's quite sporty, popular in her own little clique (we're from totally different ends of the spectrum), someone I pair up with in physical lessons (get your mind out of the gutter) and be quite nice to.
But, she's not all there, really.
I'm not sure if she just doesn't notice or if she's just plain stupid- sometimes she asserts herself a little too much in our PE group, and ends up pushing me out at the same time. She talks to my friends as if she knows them more than me. It's like, what the hell are you doing? I'M talking, and I know you don't need to be shy but you don't need to shove your nose where it shouldn't be. Jeez. Annoying much?
There was this one time when it was just me and her in the gym, playing badminton, having a conversation. The topic became about a girl in my football team who, long story short, hates me and I hate back. Little Miss Gullible says "Welllll... I think she's quite nice."
*SPLUTTER* WTFFFFF????
THIS IS THE SAME DICKHEAD GIRL WHO THINKS YOU'RE A SHOW-OFF ON THE PITCH, AND BACK-CHATS ABOUT YOU TO EVERYONE WHETHER WE'RE LISTENING OR NOT! REMEMBER THAT GAME LAST MONTH WHEN NOBODY PASSED TO YOU BECAUSE YOU WENT OFF AND HOGGED THE EFFIN BALL? GUESS WHO INSTIGATED THAT LITTLE ABANDONMENT STUNT? EFFIN HER!!!!! GULLIBLE MUCH????
Of course, I'm a reserved person, and I didn't actually say that. I just plastered the fakest of smiles on my face, and said "I guess."
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Who doesn't feel the need to get defensive when threatened? Accusations can leave a mark and irritate an issue further 'til it explodes. But how can we learn to control this sense of hostility? Pick your battles. The world today would be in even more chaos then it already is, if every insult was carried too far. Sometimes it isn't worth your energy to harp about something so little.... Sometimes that person needs to learn on their own without you butting in...
Who doesn't feel the need to get defensive when threatened? Accusations can leave a mark and irritate an issue further 'til it explodes. But how can we learn to control this sense of hostility?
Pick your battles.
The world today would be in even more chaos then it already is, if every insult was carried too far.
Sometimes it isn't worth your energy to harp about something so little....
Sometimes that person needs to learn on their own without you butting in, this is how they themselves will mature and know to move on.
The worst possible way to go is preventing their growth and development;
you will learn from your own mistakes,
but if someone always corrected those errors for you,
how would you understand what to do?
Take a step back
and think.
Is it really worth my time?
Will I make the situation more open?
Should I hold my tongue?
What happens if I neglect this?
Will my voice be heard?
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To be completely honest, I have been completely dishonest with myself about who I am, and it's time I acknowledge that fact. However, acknowledging the fact does not help if it does not change the way I am. I used to say "Well, this is who I am, you knew who I was before we got together, after we got together, and before/during/after this turned into a long-term relationship, so you're just going to have to deal with the way I am and love me anyway." Or something along tho...
To be completely honest, I have been completely dishonest with myself about who I am, and it's time I acknowledge that fact.
However, acknowledging the fact does not help if it does not change the way I am.
I used to say "Well, this is who I am, you knew who I was before we got together, after we got together, and before/during/after this turned into a long-term relationship, so you're just going to have to deal with the way I am and love me anyway." Or something along those lines.
The problem is, I want to be loved regardless of my attitude and issues, and constantly expect my partner to be exactly who I want/imagine/need him to be.
Obviously...this is a problem.
My emotions are all over the place. When I am happy I am hyper and boucing off the walls and slightly neurotic. When I am sad, I am depressed and crying and cannot function.
When I'm angry?
When I am angry, I am blinded by whatever made me angry, blinded by my anger, and each second that passes, I get angrier. I try to justify my actions that follow (yelling, arguing, accusing, etc) with the fact that what made me angry is 99% of the time began by hurting me emotionally and that is I am hurt I get angry. I blame it on how my mother was. I blame it on my stress. I blame it on my past relationships.
The fact is, even if I was hurt by something at that moment that led me to getting angry, it does not warrant or justify my reaction that followed.
The problem is that no matter if I realize that I am over reacting to something, no matter how much inside I am screaming at myself to stop before I do or say something that cannot be undone, no matter how I try to remember to breathe, to count, to quiet down...I can't.
Once my anger is ignited, righteous or not, it's like jumping off a cliff. It cannot be undone, and I just keep falling further and further into the abyss of rage.
More often than not I end up hurting the person who the anger is directed at to the point where they just don't want to deal with me anymore - either in that moment, or ever again. Then my emotion switched over to being hurt and being afraid of losing them, then I end up crying.
This is debilitating my life. I am all over the place. My joy, sorrow, anger, pain, fear, jealousy - it is controlling me, beating me down, becoming my master as time goes on...and it scares me.
My boyfriend is...
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Why do you keep telling me that you love me when you know you don't? Why do you continuosly hurt me with every word that comes out of your mouth? You show me no respect but expect to get it from me. Your words are all fake, your feelings are dead, you've just lost one of the best things to happen in...
Why do you keep telling me that you love me when you know you don't? Why do you continuosly hurt me with every word that comes out of your mouth? You show me no respect but expect to get it from me. Your words are all fake, your feelings are dead, you've just lost one of the best things to happen in your life. I'm finished, it's over, i'm done with your games my heart can't take another hit. My strength in fighting for us has lessoned and so has my love for you. But i'm stuck on the fact that you just couldn't be bothered to change- not even the littlest bit of concern for me let along our kids.
Two kids, a broken heart and seven years later- I still have to wonder why, what did I do to deserve it? I had your kids, I held you down and for what? to be lied to and cheated on? I will never understand your logic! But then again I don't want to know the answers because I think i've been hurt enough so from now on i'm going to live my life for me and not for some man- thank goodness that hurt isn't forever...
Search synonyms for Anger: love heat rage arouse burn excitement envy excite wrath monkey
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