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I have to move from the place I live in Monterey County, CA to Sacramento. I will be living with my dad.I do not want this. I have to do this. I cannot hack it here with the money I have. So I have to move. I am very sad about this. Oh well. Gotta suck it up and put on those big girl panties. They're laid out on the bed and all clean and everything. So I may not post for a while. Idk. I'll have plenty to post when I'm back online, I'm sure. Til next time,
I have to move from the place I live in Monterey County, CA to Sacramento. I will be living with my dad.I do not want this. I have to do this. I cannot hack it here with the money I have. So I have to move. I am very sad about this. Oh well. Gotta suck it up and put on those big girl panties. They're laid out on the bed and all clean and everything. So I may not post for a while. Idk.
I'll have plenty to post when I'm back online, I'm sure.
Til next time,
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Every time i start to feel happy something has to go wrong. I cant believe i told im i liked him. :/ I cant believe i kissed him. and yet the only thing that happend was finding out that we are close friends......then my ex fiance returns and now he is back into my life ( IF U READ THIS!!! DONT SAY ANYTHING TO ANYONE AT SKL....IF U KNOW WHO I MEAN!!!) My friend asked me if i was happy the only thing i could say was "i think." I mean i loved him...and i think i still do. The only problem is......
Every time i start to feel happy something has to go wrong. I cant believe i told im i liked him. :/ I cant believe i kissed him. and yet the only thing that happend was finding out that we are close friends......then my ex fiance returns and now he is back into my life ( IF U READ THIS!!! DONT SAY ANYTHING TO ANYONE AT SKL....IF U KNOW WHO I MEAN!!!) My friend asked me if i was happy the only thing i could say was "i think." I mean i loved him...and i think i still do. The only problem is....i haven seen him in awhile....i miss bein in his arms..but as soon as i start thinking of him my mind wonder back to m close friend *insert annoyed face* I mean WHY!!!! am i really happy or is my heart just so numb it doesnt know what to believe?
~forver in the rain~
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I'm sure a million people have ever wanted to rewind time or wish a day, week... month never happened. I promise that the cliche saying,"everything happens for a reason".. right now is shit to me. I want to take away the month of August and disintegrate it between my fingers. It was absolutely horrible. Nothing happened for a reason and I have to pour my heart out right now or else I won't be able to sleep tonight. Just the like the past nights have been. I've been in a relationship with...
I'm sure a million people have ever wanted to rewind time or wish a day, week... month never happened. I promise that the cliche saying,"everything happens for a reason".. right now is shit to me. I want to take away the month of August and disintegrate it between my fingers. It was absolutely horrible. Nothing happened for a reason and I have to pour my heart out right now or else I won't be able to sleep tonight. Just the like the past nights have been.
I've been in a relationship with this amazing guy for two years.. and he is everything that I ever wanted. I took him for granted at times and wished he would do things that he used to do but you know, you really realize things after a while. I have realized that I am not the type of girl who wants their boyfriend to buy flowers spontaneously or write them love letters once a week or send them ily's in a text every 45 minutes to show them how much they care. Our relationship wasn't the type of romance where I awaited his lips to brush mine to send butterflies racing through my stomach, it was simple. I loved being with him no matter what we were doing. I loved him in so many ways that no prose and no words could ever explain how I felt. It was complicated sometimes because I didn't realize how much he meant to me because we were together.. but now that we are apart, I feel like a part of me is gone. I can't even be myself or comfortably smile and mean it. I was so naive and stupid to have let him sift through my grasp... and I regret it. We had everything and we were so content and I ruined it... I over analyzed everything and saw so much negative and didn't realize that there was so much more positive... I doubted his love for me and it was the most selfish thing I have ever done. Now I miss his good night i love you's.. and the way he kissed me with meaning, and how he loved when I laid my head on his shoulder and how he held my hand as tight as he could and he would linger his fingers when I would have to let go... and now I wish I had never let go.
I thought a month of apart would bring back the spark... but I know now that we had it and I let it fade away. He may never want me back... I hurt him and I may have lost the one who was most important to me... I miss how he wouldn't say anything on the phone because he wanted to hear me talk. If I could go back a month, I would never have ended us. I would hold him as long as I could and laugh and be so happy and content and I would never take...
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Today when we were sitting on the bus and I started talking about how you've replaced me I said it because I wanted you to assure me no one has taken my place. I saw your butterfly. It said Nicole. It hurt so bad because I used to be the most important thing to you know I'm probably the least important. I drew a new one last night. It has your name because no one can replace you like Nicole replaced me. You still mean the world to me and thats the real reason I don't have a new best friend. I...
Today when we were sitting on the bus and I started talking about how you've replaced me I said it because I wanted you to assure me no one has taken my place. I saw your butterfly. It said Nicole. It hurt so bad because I used to be the most important thing to you know I'm probably the least important. I drew a new one last night. It has your name because no one can replace you like Nicole replaced me. You still mean the world to me and thats the real reason I don't have a new best friend. I hated it when you didn't disagree when I said you've replaced me. It cut me to the core. Now hear I am seriously thinking about renewing your butterfly so it never fades. Are you clueless though? Is she really more important than me? Does she know more than me? Theres so much I need to know. Are you really clueless though?
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[Read this excerpt from my blog] http://bariamaryllis.tumblr.com/post/1049838867/the-maroon-car#disqus_thread I'm a freak. A pathetic freak.
[Read this excerpt from my blog]
http://bariamaryllis.tumblr.com/post/1049838867/the-maroon-car#disqus_thread
I'm a freak. A pathetic freak.
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There are times in life when “nothing is going right” is an understatement. When school, relationships, and work are the least of your problems, you are prone to constant migraines, the result of too much to bear, and you finally truly understand the term ‘mad’. There are times of utter defeat, a time when you go to desperate measures to protect yourself from being hurt once again. Anything is better than the ache of madness. And you think to yourself, repeating your almost daily ritual, ...
There are times in life when “nothing is going right” is an understatement. When school, relationships, and work are the least of your problems, you are prone to constant migraines, the result of too much to bear, and you finally truly understand the term ‘mad’. There are times of utter defeat, a time when you go to desperate measures to protect yourself from being hurt once again. Anything is better than the ache of madness. And you think to yourself, repeating your almost daily ritual,
You will always be alone.
You build walls around yourself and shut others out. Even if it means a life without love, comforts, or, most of all, trust. You have your self, and that’s all that you need. You grow cold and distant, because no emotion means no pain. You gather yourself so that you are no longer fragile. No one can touch you; no one can make you vulnerable; no one can make you weak. You look out for yourself and yourself alone, because you are the best. When you go to the bar to drink away your problems, you look down on the flirty girls, cocky guys, and happy couples with disgust and revulsion. They are pathetic and feeble; stupid. But there is something else in the pit of your stomach. Pity? You shake it off and order another round.
Now who is that, looking at you the way you look at them? Who is this man, and how dare he look at you that way? What are you going to do? He’s still looking at you, no, watching; watching you with ominous green-gold eyes. There’s something in the way he holds himself. Almost like, like he knows you, like someone from his past that he cannot quite place. Could it be that you know this man? He looks vaguely familiar, doesn’t he? It couldn’t be. You would remember him. You would remember that pitch-black hair, those bursting lips, that sturdy, pointed chin, those deep set eyes the color of the woods in summertime; golden green that seems to swirl in the light, and the wary, almost painful expression that appears to fixate his face into a permanent grimace. No, you’ve never seen this man before in your life. You’re sure of it. So what's to be done with this man, this gritty outsider? Your mind speeds through possibilities. Run, demand to know what his problem is, do nothing? Oh no, here he comes.
You turn to run, but it’s too late. He grasps your hand; that iron strong grip sending chills up your arm. He insists he knows you. Impossible, you think. And yet, his voice alone renders you motionless. Wh...
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by lullaby of lies
on Aug 27 1:24 AM, In Angry, Depression, Emo, Goodbyes, Life, Longing, Lost love, Love, Personal, Sadness.
700 words.
All.
0 comments.
hey 11:22 PM look,idk if ur just not texting me back or if ur not getting my txts,but i wanna work this out & im not givin up on this,we can do this..i love u 11:27 PM Me wes We cant 11:30 PM We cant 11:30 PM why not? what so hard about this? 11:30 PM anythings possible your just giving up and i dont get it 11:32 PM Me wes I wouldnt expect u to get it i just cant do this anymore ...
hey 11:22 PM
look,idk if ur just not texting me back or if ur not getting my txts,but i wanna work this out & im not givin up on this,we can do this..i love u 11:27 PM
Me
wes
We cant 11:30 PM
We cant 11:30 PM
why not? what so hard about this? 11:30 PM
anythings possible your just giving up and i dont get it 11:32 PM
Me
wes
I wouldnt expect u to get it i just cant do this anymore 11:33 PM
what your just tired of us being together? found another girl? 11:35 PM
Me
wes
No i just cant do this anymore 11:36 PM
what happened to all the "u wont lose me's" and "i promise u" i freakin believed in you... when did u start questioning 'us'? 11:37 PM
Me
wes
Wen i realized where my life is going 11:38 PM
so because your life is changing... u just wanna end it? u dont wanna even fight for whatever we had. 11:43 PM
Me
wes
I cant 11:45 PM
cant or dont want to?? u can change cant im trying so hard for you to see that cuz i dont want this to be the end of it 11:46 PM
Me
wes
I cant do this anymore u deserve better than me 11:48 PM
i dont want anyone else wes. you are better then anybody i know, if i didnt lvoe you so much i wouldnt be fighting for 'us' right now 11:51 PM
Me
wes
U do deserve better than me the truth is im an asshole just like any other guy 11:54 PM
wtf ever! your not like every other guy out there! i dont give a fuck if i deserve better i want you fuck. i need you..... 11:57 PM
Me
wes
No u dnt 12:00 AM
yes, i do... and for you to tell me that u 'cant' do this anymore it rips my heart out 12:01 AM
Me
wes
Thats y u deserve better 12:02 AM
lol. no. im trying to tell u that i dont want somebody else not another guy. i dont care bout them i care about you i love you ,your the one 12:04 AM
Me
wes
No im not trust me 12:05 AM
yes you are..believe me! 12:05 AM
Me
wes
Im not 12:08 AM
dammit, u are too 12:09 AM
Me
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it's funny how some one might see something in the momment and they way there mind set can be changed so quickly no im not ready for that much of a responsibility but why suddenly this chage of heart wht now do i want it is it because i know that it's not going to happen yet or did the idea just frow on me till i gave in i mean the last time i wrote about this topic. i thought my life was comeing to an end now the ble...
it's funny how some one might see something in the momment
and they way there mind set can be changed so quickly
no im not ready for that much of a responsibility
but why suddenly this chage of heart wht now do i want it
is it because i know that it's not going to happen yet
or did the idea just frow on me till i gave in
i mean the last time i wrote about this topic.
i thought my life was comeing to an end
now the blessing desgised as a curse is what i ponder
would i have make the right impace? was i ready?\
i still see it through the other side of the looking glass
the side that says i shouldn't bring someone into this world
concidering i have yet to understand the world my self
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for the men I have only 3 entries...for the women only 1 entry I would truly appreciate it if, the members from the groups that I belong to: Allpoetry Rocks Erotic Desires Sensual Studies:Heating Up Cold Quills Speak to Me Starting From Scratch Straight Talk participated...all I ask is that the prompts given be followed...poem as you please...sensually erotic writes...let the pictures be your inspiration...please click on the links below...have fun......
for the men I have only 3 entries...for the women only 1 entry
I would truly appreciate it if, the members from the groups that I belong to:
Allpoetry Rocks
Erotic Desires
Sensual Studies:Heating Up Cold Quills
Speak to Me
Starting From Scratch
Straight Talk
participated...all I ask is that the prompts given be followed...poem as you please...sensually erotic writes...let the pictures be your inspiration...please click on the links below...have fun....es
http://allpoetry.com/contest/show/2497113 (women)
http://allpoetry.com/contest/show/2497107 (men)
thanks in advance for any cooperation from either of my groups
Next contest will be on pic in this journal: Give It To Us Freaky!!!!
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I had this interesting dream the other night...It wont leave my head so I figure. Why not write it down? I'm laying in a hospital bed. Its raining lightly outside. There's a man, whose arm i'm using for a pillow, laying next to me. He had brown, shaggy hair and bright blue eyes. My guess is he's about 19 or 20. I'm somewhere around 17 or 18. I'm the reason we're both there. He's not injured but I have bandages around my head. He watches me sleep with the eyes of a secret admirer but ...
I had this interesting dream the other night...It wont leave my head so I figure. Why not write it down?
I'm laying in a hospital bed. Its raining lightly outside. There's a man, whose arm i'm using for a pillow, laying next to me. He had brown, shaggy hair and bright blue eyes. My guess is he's about 19 or 20. I'm somewhere around 17 or 18. I'm the reason we're both there. He's not injured but I have bandages around my head. He watches me sleep with the eyes of a secret admirer but he holds me like a sister. I'm curled up against his chest, shivering. Its clear to me by now that we have secret feelings for each other but for some reason we can't be together.
At this time a girl walks into and glares at him. She had long blonde hair and green eyes. Her skin is tanned and she has the curves of a young woman. He looked over at her and sighs then pulled away from me softly, as not to wake me, and walks over to her. They argue outside my door for a while, he always looks my way to make sure i'm still asleep, he shakes his head and walks away with her.
A nurse walks in and checks on me then walks out. At this point and time I slip into my own dreams.
Outside the rain is still falling. I'm walking down the street with the guy from before. Our arms are linked and we're laughing but there's not romance. There's a sudden screeching of tires and I look over just in time to push him away from me. The car hits me and squishes me between another car that was waiting at the stop light. My head hits both the windshields and I hear two loud smacks. The driver that hydroplanned backed up and my friend ran to me. I fell to the ground, unconcious and bleeding but still very much breathing.
And then i'm back in the hospital. Waiting for him to come back.
But he never does. I awake many times throughout the next couple of hours but he is never there. My nurse walks over and hands me a note. He explains that he has college classes at certain and that him and his girlfriend are broken up. The last page looks like its from a journal, its wrinkled and old but the writing is still clear and his. He talks about a younger girl that took his breath away, how her laugh makes him smile and her tears make him sob. The last line of the letter makes me smiles and cry at the same time. Its but six words long and a signature after it but it still makes me show emotions.
"I love you Sarah Louise Evans." Its signed with a name ...
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by Babby-Loves
on Aug 17 6:54 PM, In Adult, Children, Diary1stperson, Family, Friends, Longing, Love, Mylife, Pain, Personal, Spirit.
6,300 words.
Me only.
0 comments.
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It hurts to know that you would rather have me stay alive and suffer than let me die and be free of my pain and start a new life. I'm sick of putting on a show and acting like things are fine when they are not. I'm sick of lying to people when they ask me what's wrong when they ask me what's wrong when they see that I'm down. I can't feign in front of God and his people anymore. I miss the way my life use to be, hanging out with all of my friends. I wish that I was able to see them but it's t...
It hurts to know that you would rather have me stay alive and suffer than let me die and be free of my pain and start a new life. I'm sick of putting on a show and acting like things are fine when they are not. I'm sick of lying to people when they ask me what's wrong when they ask me what's wrong when they see that I'm down. I can't feign in front of God and his people anymore. I miss the way my life use to be, hanging out with all of my friends. I wish that I was able to see them but it's the same routine everyday. Get dropped off at school, get picked up after school, then go home, do hw, and go to bed. I never get to see anyone and that's desperately what I want. I feel like a prisoner in my own home sometimes. I just need to be with my friends, when I'm with them I don't have to have a mask. Most of the day though the mask is on from when I wake up to when I lay down but just being in their presence makes me feel complete and I can have a genuine smile. I just can't take this pain I have deep inside of me anymore. I know that most people would say that if I kill myself that would be dechristianization because i'm a christian, but it wouldn't matter. God is forgiving and would give me an abundance amount of love. He knows how much I can take and how much I've truly been hurting. I don't want anyone to try to justify or condemn what I'm going to do but just realize how bad things must have been to want me to do that or even think about doing it.
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Song is Wake Up by MeTalkPretty
Song is Wake Up by MeTalkPretty
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When my every word is not reported to a "responsible adult" When someone is ready and willing to listen If they ask while we are alone and not with others who know nothing When they can hold their tongues and just listen without the unnecessary comments (that I actually find rather hurtful) When they can refrain from nagging and checking up on me all the time When people stop expecting the impossible of me Then, and only then, will I be ready to speak. Ot...
When my every word is not reported to a "responsible adult"
When someone is ready and willing to listen
If they ask while we are alone and not with others who know nothing
When they can hold their tongues and just listen without the unnecessary comments (that I actually find rather hurtful)
When they can refrain from nagging and checking up on me all the time
When people stop expecting the impossible of me
Then, and only then, will I be ready to speak.
Otherwise, of course all they will get will be vague sentences that say nothing about how I really feel. Now that they know about this site I can't even write anything on here that they don't see... but I'm kinda hoping they will see this and take the hint: it's just making it worse!!
Ok, rant over. I will do my study now.
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August 10, 2009 I bet you cant even remember what happened that day That was the day we met The day i thought my life meant something Boy did everything change January 18, 2010 Everyone knows that day Martin Luther King Jr. Day But to me the start of it all Our first date We snuck out early in the morning You drove and sang to me in the cold Do remember where we went? We went to the mall So many firsts happened that day I will ...
August 10, 2009
I bet you cant even remember what happened that day
That was the day we met
The day i thought my life meant something
Boy did everything change
January 18, 2010
Everyone knows that day
Martin Luther King Jr. Day
But to me the start of it all
Our first date
We snuck out early in the morning
You drove and sang to me in the cold
Do remember where we went?
We went to the mall
So many firsts happened that day
I will always remember the things you'v said and done
February 23, 2010
Who knew being an artist would come in hand
You grabbed me when i was painting
Decided you missed me too much to wait 3 more hours
Ill never know what happened during 6th period that day
The school basement is so much more memorable now
We had our first kiss there
February 26, 2010
Who knew tutoring would be so fun
Or at least thats what my parents that i was doing
We had 2 hours together
Not nearly enough time but we made it work
As soon as school let out we drove to the park
So much for playing on the swings
It poured rain and never stopped
My mom never did believe i fell into a puddle of mud
April 28, 2010
The best date of my life took place
We didnt eat dinner
We didnt watch a movie
Everything was closed
And everyone was asleep
We snuck out at 1 in the morning
You even stole your mom's car
How i love the park
We walked until i fell on you from fear of what was hiding
"Dont worry. I'll protect with my life. Mo matter what." You said
I fell in love that night
You told me you love me
"I love you too" I replied.
We started fooling around but it didnt go far
5 a.m was when my alarm started to ring and thats when we speed home
I didnt make it past 2nd period before i crashed
I missed you so much that day
Your mom forbid you from going to school sense you had the "flu"
June 7, 2010
That night we truely made love come alive
My parents left on vacation and you slept over
Not much sleeping happened
We proved to eachother what our love really means
You were my first
My only
I felt as though the whole world disappeared
It ended too soon
You had to go home before your parents woke up
July 14, 2010
Did you forget?
I stayed up crying
I didnt want to believe what i heard
No answer
I pra...
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Scatter my ashes on the sea, and as I float on crested wave; I want no tears or grief for me, or duty visits to my grave. Don't bury me beneath the ground, no cold, imprisoned tomb for me; Nor headstone with an earthy mound, that's not the place I want to be. It's where the wind blows fresh and free, I know that I will be content; the sea I love my cemetery, the waves my only monument. ~Author Unknown
Scatter my ashes on the sea,
and as I float on crested wave;
I want no tears or grief for me,
or duty visits to my grave.
Don't bury me beneath the ground,
no cold, imprisoned tomb for me;
Nor headstone with an earthy mound,
that's not the place I want to be.
It's where the wind blows fresh and free,
I know that I will be content;
the sea I love my cemetery,
the waves my only monument.
~Author Unknown
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I just wish I could turn back the clock... April 2010. One single month of true happiness in a lifetime of misery. Eight hours of pure joy. Intense passion. All gone now. Lost forever with nothing left of those two days but a memory. Some people say time heals all. But, it doesn't. Some wounds can start to heal and then be ripped open again. Why do I see a brick wall when I look to the future? Words that would begin to describe how I feel at the moment: Numb. It's easier ...
I just wish I could turn back the clock... April 2010. One single month of true happiness in a lifetime of misery. Eight hours of pure joy. Intense passion. All gone now. Lost forever with nothing left of those two days but a memory.
Some people say time heals all. But, it doesn't. Some wounds can start to heal and then be ripped open again. Why do I see a brick wall when I look to the future? Words that would begin to describe how I feel at the moment: Numb. It's easier to block it all out than to analyze it right now. I'm empty inside, and I'm alone on the outside. The smile is a lie...
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last night i had the best dream. i was in my new high school and i met this girl. her name was sam (short for samantha) and we starting hanging out later on in the dream we fell in love and stayed together all thru high school and college, then we got married in the dream.. i hope that when i get to my high school in augest that sam really exists and that will happen. my dreams tend 2 become a reality like im a psycic or something lolz im just hoping that this one does
last night i had the best dream. i was in my new high school and i met this girl. her name was sam (short for samantha) and we starting hanging out later on in the dream we fell in love and stayed together all thru high school and college, then we got married in the dream.. i hope that when i get to my high school in augest that sam really exists and that will happen. my dreams tend 2 become a reality like im a psycic or something lolz im just hoping that this one does
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Do you have a crush on someone? Yes. On my best friend, Michael. Do you talk to him/her everyday? Well duh, I practicly live at his house. Do you talk about them to your friends? Like ALL THE TIME Does your crush like you? he sees me as a good friend. and he doesn't want to date. Do you think about him/her? yes. ALL THE TIME How long have you liked your crush? since middle school... so like forever. like 4 years....
Do you have a crush on someone?
Yes. On my best friend, Michael.
Do you talk to him/her everyday?
Well duh, I practicly live at his house.
Do you talk about them to your friends?
Like ALL THE TIME
Does your crush like you?
he sees me as a good friend. and he doesn't want to date.
Do you think about him/her?
yes. ALL THE TIME
How long have you liked your crush?
since middle school... so like forever. like 4 years....
Is your crush handsome/beautiful?
definetly. I love his hair, and his cute little mustache. lol.
Do you dream about your crush?
Well yea. doesnt everyone dream about thier best friend?
BTW i've never had a sex dream bout him, i think that's kinda wierd considering i've had sex dreams about alot of my other friends. and hes my best friend, the one i spend like all my time with, and nope. no sex dreams... lol.
Do you like hearing their voice?
well yea, why woodnt it?
Do you like receiving text messages from them?
yeah. When i do get one its him wanting to hang out some more... :}
Do you like their laugh/giggles?
yea, bc when he laughs he smiles, and i LOVE his smile
When you see them, are you shy?
not really.
One day will you be with him/her?
That's what I want to happen. hes the only one i CAN see myself with for the rest of my life.
If you could tell them how you felt about him/her, would you?
I did finnally tell him i was in LOVE with him. Oh boy did it take forever for me to go about that one.
Do you have pictures of your crush?
Well yea. tons.
Do you get jealous when he/she talks to the opposite sex?
not really, unless he seems really into the convo. i've gotton jealous of it before, but its not like everytime.
Are you comfortable around your crush?
yea, BEST FRIEND, it be pretty bad if i wernt comfortable with him.
What do you think about his/her clothing style?
cool but comfortable. i like it.
Will you wait for him/her, to be yours?
I plan to. I'll wait forever if I have to. Hes not just my crush hes the one i'm in LOVE with. and my best friend. I'll wait forever, Till the day I die.
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so I havn't been on AP for like ever! so i'm gnna go and make a whole bunch of journals to catch back up. A quick summary... 1)Kris and i never got anywhere... I decided to give up on him. 2) tyler asked me back out. I accepted. then he broke up with me. Tld me that "i'm used to dating black girls" in other words bc i'm white. and bc we were "taking it too slow." after only dating for 2 DAYS!!! 3) Michael went to DC for an Honor Band thing. 4) I relized I'm in LOVE with micha...
so I havn't been on AP for like ever! so i'm gnna go and make a whole bunch of journals to catch back up. A quick summary...
1)Kris and i never got anywhere... I decided to give up on him.
2) tyler asked me back out. I accepted. then he broke up with me. Tld me that "i'm used to dating black girls" in other words bc i'm white. and bc we were "taking it too slow." after only dating for 2 DAYS!!!
3) Michael went to DC for an Honor Band thing.
4) I relized I'm in LOVE with michael.
5)got the guts to tell Michael how i felt.
6)got my heart broken. (maybe)
7) going to talk to michael today at the Party... see how he feels.
THats about it. i plan to write a journal or 2 bout each of these things. get ready to read.
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Why do you keep telling me that you love me when you know you don't? Why do you continuosly hurt me with every word that comes out of your mouth? You show me no respect but expect to get it from me. Your words are all fake, your feelings are dead, you've just lost one of the best things to happen in...
Why do you keep telling me that you love me when you know you don't? Why do you continuosly hurt me with every word that comes out of your mouth? You show me no respect but expect to get it from me. Your words are all fake, your feelings are dead, you've just lost one of the best things to happen in your life. I'm finished, it's over, i'm done with your games my heart can't take another hit. My strength in fighting for us has lessoned and so has my love for you. But i'm stuck on the fact that you just couldn't be bothered to change- not even the littlest bit of concern for me let along our kids.
Two kids, a broken heart and seven years later- I still have to wonder why, what did I do to deserve it? I had your kids, I held you down and for what? to be lied to and cheated on? I will never understand your logic! But then again I don't want to know the answers because I think i've been hurt enough so from now on i'm going to live my life for me and not for some man- thank goodness that hurt isn't forever...
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by Babby-Loves
on Jun 28 5:37 PM, In Depression, Diary, Friends, Life, Longing, Lost love, Love, My life, Pain, Personal.
200 words.
Friends only.
0 comments.
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I know I am a sheltered child. I've had private schools and lessons. I've had every whim and need taken care of by others. But its even said, a castle, can be a prison. I cant take anymore of it. Nothing sparks my interests anymore. I want soemthing my parents cannot give to me. I want freedom. To do my own mistakes and live by them, to be my own person with my own style and wants and needs. I am so sick and tired of being yelled at over mundane things. Over laundry and how...
I know I am a sheltered child. I've had private schools and lessons. I've had every whim and need taken care of by others. But its even said, a castle, can be a prison. I cant take anymore of it. Nothing sparks my interests anymore. I want soemthing my parents cannot give to me. I want freedom.
To do my own mistakes and live by them, to be my own person with my own style and wants and needs. I am so sick and tired of being yelled at over mundane things. Over laundry and how I dont do it right. I'd be content to do my own damned laundry and be happy with my life. Not think that every staray thing kis wrong and have my own path. My parents expect em to live the way they taught me to and this is the first time I truly belive they dont have my best interest only theres.
I was told I cant go to the college of my choosing because its to expensive. Meanwhile they had me apply to places like Stony Brook, Oswego, and other ritsy places. Its either their way or no way at all. Im going to BMCC and I can tell you right now its gonna be miserable as possible. For the next 2 years Im living at my parents house and I have to put up with the constant whining and complaining of how I dont pull my own weight and just am a bigger burden then ever. I work as such. If Im complained at over and over again, chances are Im not gonna tolerate it, and ignore you for the rest of my life. My mother the busy body who works works works, even though she should have already retired. She keeps saying she loves her job but comes home with a mile high worth of complaints. My do nothing father, who pisses me off at every turn. Complaining on how I do dishes, or take out the garbage, or move things, or laundry. I hate being looked at as if Im under inspection. I might as well just have joined the Navy like I was planning and ship off to Iraq the moment I got the chance in the dead of night with no one knowing where I had gone. But I love to many people to make them suffer for my parents mistakes. My fiance, my grandma and my friends all would be sad and I would miss them to much.
So that option is out. Im staying at my grandmothers for most of the summer, just to get out of the mayhem and just fucking retardation around here. Everyone expects you to clean jup after them. My mom cleans up after my father and brother (another worthless sack of skin). My father cleans up after no one without bitching to them, whom later do it themselves. My ...
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by ShowMeLies
on Jun 26 1:26 PM, In Dark, Friendship, Longing, Lost love, My life, Pain, Personal, Sad, Sadness, Thoughts.
200 words.
All.
0 comments.
Baby, I am so fucking sorry. There's not much to say. I promised I would stop drinking. Once I lost friends to drinking, I knew in the back of my mind that I had a problem. You took me through it. I made a promise with you: I would stop drinking until I had control again. You didn't think that the weed or the cigarettes were a problem (then again you didn't know about my cutting), but you knew that the drinking had to stop. I went out with my friend last nig...
Baby, I am so fucking sorry.
There's not much to say. I promised I would stop drinking. Once I lost friends to drinking, I knew in the back of my mind that I had a problem. You took me through it. I made a promise with you: I would stop drinking until I had control again. You didn't think that the weed or the cigarettes were a problem (then again you didn't know about my cutting), but you knew that the drinking had to stop. I went out with my friend last night, and I was prepared to resist all temptations. I had one beer. I mean, that's not too bad... But then one beer led to another, and another. And soon I was six beers down. I could have stopped then. But no, I had shots. I even asked him for the strongest thing he had. After many shots, I decided just pure vodka would do. And after some of that, more beer. Oh god. By the end of the night, I couldn't walk. I started calling you, and I said everything. How much I drank. How much I fucking miss you. Yes, we're not dating, I know. Yes, it was my fault we broke up. And yeah, you're over me. But I'm not over you. And now, you'll never want me back. I doubt you'll even want to talk to me again. All because of alcohol. I need some more fucking control. What the fuck happened to that girl 6 months ago that had everything together? Why did it have to get this bad...?
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ok, so i've started talking to this new guy, and he's great! he is smart, he can be funny but he's also serious, and he's good with computers. he brings out the best in me, and we can talk for hours without the dreaded loss of interest. he's handsome and elegant, but also rough and edgy. really he's everything i like. but of course with any mr. perfect there has to be a flaw. his? he's taken. of course that's not what i'm ranting about today. the title is 'what is happening?' so i guess i sho...
ok, so i've started talking to this new guy, and he's great! he is smart, he can be funny but he's also serious, and he's good with computers. he brings out the best in me, and we can talk for hours without the dreaded loss of interest. he's handsome and elegant, but also rough and edgy. really he's everything i like. but of course with any mr. perfect there has to be a flaw. his? he's taken. of course that's not what i'm ranting about today. the title is 'what is happening?' so i guess i should explain what i mean.
there are two guys, that are single, my age, and treat me pretty good. one of them i've known and off-and-on loved since 6th grade. the other i've known for a few months, we dated, and his family loves me... the feeling is mutual. but i'm not interested in either of them. actually as of late, i don't even seem to like them. i've been avoiding them, getting testy with them, yelling at them. ugh it's a nightmare! and it's not just them! actually any male i've encountered just seems to piss me off more than anything. it seems like the only guy i can even speak to civilly is mr. perfectly taken.
which brings me to my dilemma, how do i tell this to mr. perfectly taken? sure we've talked about how we like each other, but so far it's mostly been playground flirting. he's not that much older than me, and i'm awfully mature for my age. so on a scale of maturity levels, we're pretty close. we enjoy much of the same things, actually so far i haven't found a subject we really disagree on. still i keep getting cold feet when i try to tell him.
i can't explain it, he's a sweet guy and i know he'd probably just give me some kind of advice. but that's not what i want from him, actually i'm not really sure what i want from him. at this point i think it's more the mystery that's drawing me rather than anything else.
i've always had an attraction for older men. i can hear my psychologist now, "this is probably a result of the abuse you suffered as a child." well maybe it is, maybe it's not. in truth i find guys my own age to be too immature for my tastes. guys about 2-5 years older (19-22), just simulate me more mentally. and it's not a sex thing, because i prefer to stop that in it's tracks. not only would they go to jail, but i'd loose a friend and possibly a boyfriend. but that does not in anyway restrict my flirting abilities.
more importantly why should it? the law says i can't sleep with them until i'm 18, so...
Search synonyms for Longing: wish desire hunger yearning fancy nostalgia lawyer
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