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I learnt something today, something that made me think about what I am, and who I want. I know that things in life are the most complicated things that anyone can comprehend with. I took the time to realise that, no only am I proud of who I am, but I'm proud of the people who aren't afraid. Loving and caring for people is different than wanting to be with them forever and share your life and your bed with them. It's about being true. Being honest. I want to be honest with the world and I know...
I learnt something today, something that made me think about what I am, and who I want. I know that things in life are the most complicated things that anyone can comprehend with. I took the time to realise that, no only am I proud of who I am, but I'm proud of the people who aren't afraid. Loving and caring for people is different than wanting to be with them forever and share your life and your bed with them. It's about being true. Being honest. I want to be honest with the world and I know that it hurt some people when things like this happen but, I know what I want. What I want is to be with my girl forever. I want to ask something, I don't need an answer but: What do you want? I want people to be happy, to be who they are and be proud of who they love. You see, all these sex maniacs aren't so bad, but they fail to see love. How can you truly know someone through just sex, but how can you know them without? It's the border, the line that you either choose to cross or not. For me I see that this line isn't something I want to cross with more than the person that I am with now. I can't take to see people sad, but I'm sick of hiding away with everything else. I know to some people that what I am going on about makes no sense at all, but to me, it makes perfect sense, and for some reason I can't stop typing. I have never ever wanted anything more that to be out, as they say "out and proud" but so many people in my life have tried to stop me and why? I ask myself why? Still I'm not a 100% sure but I know one thing. I won't let them be in my way or judge me any longer. I'm so out! I'm so gay that no one will ever change me. I have always wanted to be honest and now, look at me. I'm finally being the Salliee that everyone didn't want me to be. I know to some I'm a disappointment, and to others, damn you will understand me more now, but why be mad? I'm still me. I can't stop thinking about the one girl that makes me happy to the point I want to marry her. I want to have a life with her, and make her feel like the princess she is. Why is it that people tell me, you're to close to your male friends to be gay, how are you? They are my FRIENDS, just friends. I love them to pieces but I don't want to jump in their bed. I found my path, I found my true meaning and I want people to know me and have me as their friend. Tab is my guarded princess and I still am the dyke in shinning armour that saved her. I don't know if she truly thanks me for it but, hell I'm so gl...
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August 10, 2009 I bet you cant even remember what happened that day That was the day we met The day i thought my life meant something Boy did everything change January 18, 2010 Everyone knows that day Martin Luther King Jr. Day But to me the start of it all Our first date We snuck out early in the morning You drove and sang to me in the cold Do remember where we went? We went to the mall So many firsts happened that day I will ...
August 10, 2009
I bet you cant even remember what happened that day
That was the day we met
The day i thought my life meant something
Boy did everything change
January 18, 2010
Everyone knows that day
Martin Luther King Jr. Day
But to me the start of it all
Our first date
We snuck out early in the morning
You drove and sang to me in the cold
Do remember where we went?
We went to the mall
So many firsts happened that day
I will always remember the things you'v said and done
February 23, 2010
Who knew being an artist would come in hand
You grabbed me when i was painting
Decided you missed me too much to wait 3 more hours
Ill never know what happened during 6th period that day
The school basement is so much more memorable now
We had our first kiss there
February 26, 2010
Who knew tutoring would be so fun
Or at least thats what my parents that i was doing
We had 2 hours together
Not nearly enough time but we made it work
As soon as school let out we drove to the park
So much for playing on the swings
It poured rain and never stopped
My mom never did believe i fell into a puddle of mud
April 28, 2010
The best date of my life took place
We didnt eat dinner
We didnt watch a movie
Everything was closed
And everyone was asleep
We snuck out at 1 in the morning
You even stole your mom's car
How i love the park
We walked until i fell on you from fear of what was hiding
"Dont worry. I'll protect with my life. Mo matter what." You said
I fell in love that night
You told me you love me
"I love you too" I replied.
We started fooling around but it didnt go far
5 a.m was when my alarm started to ring and thats when we speed home
I didnt make it past 2nd period before i crashed
I missed you so much that day
Your mom forbid you from going to school sense you had the "flu"
June 7, 2010
That night we truely made love come alive
My parents left on vacation and you slept over
Not much sleeping happened
We proved to eachother what our love really means
You were my first
My only
I felt as though the whole world disappeared
It ended too soon
You had to go home before your parents woke up
July 14, 2010
Did you forget?
I stayed up crying
I didnt want to believe what i heard
No answer
I pra...
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I feel like I am losing control... A control I have worked so hard to maintain so that someone doesn't end up hurt. My temper flares more often than I keep track, and there are times when I just start to cry for no apparent reason. At work I pace to keep myself focused and mentally grounded. Last Saturday it didn't work. Half of the time I was pacing I didn't know where I was, and the remaining time I spent thinking: "Give me a knife, give me a razor blade. Give me something so I can ha...
I feel like I am losing control... A control I have worked so hard to maintain so that someone doesn't end up hurt. My temper flares more often than I keep track, and there are times when I just start to cry for no apparent reason. At work I pace to keep myself focused and mentally grounded. Last Saturday it didn't work. Half of the time I was pacing I didn't know where I was, and the remaining time I spent thinking: "Give me a knife, give me a razor blade. Give me something so I can have some sort of release."
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Crystal and Rachel are meeting tomorrow morning. Amanda won't be there 'cause she has strep throat and a fever; poor girl. Crystal and Rachel are going with me to my appointment with Pat tomorrow at 9 am. Andrew's dad died on May 30, 2010 at 8: 25 am. Visitation is at Cornerstone Bible Fellowship from 4-7 pm. "If I had thirty seconds to live, this is how I would want to spend them... Looking into your eyes." ~Xena to Gabrielle
Crystal and Rachel are meeting tomorrow morning. Amanda won't be there 'cause she has strep throat and a fever; poor girl. Crystal and Rachel are going with me to my appointment with Pat tomorrow at 9 am. Andrew's dad died on May 30, 2010 at 8: 25 am. Visitation is at Cornerstone Bible Fellowship from 4-7 pm.
"If I had thirty seconds to live, this is how I would want to spend them... Looking into your eyes." ~Xena to Gabrielle
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I'm tired of faking a smile and pretending everything's okay when it isn't. When the smile hides the frown, a laugh hides the tears. I may not show it, and no may be aware of it, but I'm slowly dying inside.
I'm tired of faking a smile and pretending everything's okay when it isn't. When the smile hides the frown, a laugh hides the tears. I may not show it, and no may be aware of it, but I'm slowly dying inside.
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by Wind Chaser
6 hours ago, In Anger, Angst, Bitter, Depression, Escape, Hate, My life, Pain, Personal, Teen issues.
100 words.
All.
0 comments.
Had two sexual encounters on Wednesday with guys I didn't really know. Cut myself again last night, it was worse than last time. But, it was a release. I just want to be held and told everything will be okay! But, I know it's not going to happen. I'm lost, I don't know who I even am anymore. I feel like one of these days I'm just going to quit caring and I'm going to let go of all the control I have fought so hard to maintain. If that happens, I know someone will end up hurt.
Had two sexual encounters on Wednesday with guys I didn't really know. Cut myself again last night, it was worse than last time. But, it was a release. I just want to be held and told everything will be okay! But, I know it's not going to happen. I'm lost, I don't know who I even am anymore.
I feel like one of these days I'm just going to quit caring and I'm going to let go of all the control I have fought so hard to maintain. If that happens, I know someone will end up hurt.
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I hate it when I don't know what I feel... I spend so much of my time in oblivion. Maybe Sid doesn't care as much as I think he does. He can't stay mad at me forever over what others are saying. I can't control what others think or say, they are entitled to their own opinion.
I hate it when I don't know what I feel... I spend so much of my time in oblivion. Maybe Sid doesn't care as much as I think he does. He can't stay mad at me forever over what others are saying. I can't control what others think or say, they are entitled to their own opinion.
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At the ER at Skiff, being transferred to Mercy-Franklin. Been here since 12ish. Crystal stayed till almost two. Talked to Rachel. Want and need to talk to Sid, tried calling. He was sleeping. I'm terrified of how he will react when he finds out, and if he will care enough to come when I need him. I love him so much it hurts. Granted, he didn't know when he broke up with me yesterday that it was the worst thing he could do at the moment. I just want to run. I'm tired ...
At the ER at Skiff, being transferred to Mercy-Franklin. Been here since 12ish. Crystal stayed till almost two. Talked to Rachel. Want and need to talk to Sid, tried calling. He was sleeping.
I'm terrified of how he will react when he finds out, and if he will care enough to come when I need him. I love him so much it hurts. Granted, he didn't know when he broke up with me yesterday that it was the worst thing he could do at the moment.
I just want to run. I'm tired of waiting... I'm tired of fighting. I just can't feel right now; it's easier not to.
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I feel so dead inside. I'm a living zombie... I'm just going through the motions. I'm lying when I say I'm fine. A smile hides the frown and a laugh hides the tears. Nothing is fine. When I don't want to feel, I can't stop. And when I want to feel I'm so out of it that I can't.
I feel so dead inside. I'm a living zombie... I'm just going through the motions.
I'm lying when I say I'm fine. A smile hides the frown and a laugh hides the tears. Nothing is fine. When I don't want to feel, I can't stop. And when I want to feel I'm so out of it that I can't.
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It's a constant battle to be good enough. To be able to measure up to everyone else's standards. But I'm never allowed to pass the test. The eyes are a mirror into the soul. It's too bad no one ever sees the truth reflected in them... Why can I pretend I'm okay and everyone believes it, but when I show them that I'm not they think I should be? Some people believe in hell, but the truth is life itself is hell. Why do I feel unworthy of being happy or of being loved? The...
It's a constant battle to be good enough. To be able to measure up to everyone else's standards. But I'm never allowed to pass the test. The eyes are a mirror into the soul. It's too bad no one ever sees the truth reflected in them... Why can I pretend I'm okay and everyone believes it, but when I show them that I'm not they think I should be?
Some people believe in hell, but the truth is life itself is hell. Why do I feel unworthy of being happy or of being loved?
The voices talk to me and I answer. Some would call me crazy, but for me it's normal.
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I just wish I could turn back the clock... April 2010. One single month of true happiness in a lifetime of misery. Eight hours of pure joy. Intense passion. All gone now. Lost forever with nothing left of those two days but a memory. Some people say time heals all. But, it doesn't. Some wounds can start to heal and then be ripped open again. Why do I see a brick wall when I look to the future? Words that would begin to describe how I feel at the moment: Numb. It's easier ...
I just wish I could turn back the clock... April 2010. One single month of true happiness in a lifetime of misery. Eight hours of pure joy. Intense passion. All gone now. Lost forever with nothing left of those two days but a memory.
Some people say time heals all. But, it doesn't. Some wounds can start to heal and then be ripped open again. Why do I see a brick wall when I look to the future? Words that would begin to describe how I feel at the moment: Numb. It's easier to block it all out than to analyze it right now. I'm empty inside, and I'm alone on the outside. The smile is a lie...
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Ok well after i posted that yesterday, all of the attitudes just dissapeared, kinda randomly, they didn't know that i typed all of that, so kinda better. but yeah, idk, it just might be a now feeling, i could go back to that not so good.... i guess i have to play it by ear, idt that saying was right.... Mood: ok Pt 2 Well all i have to say is that i guess sumtimes i get lonely, and when i do i seem to get depressed, now im not saying that for sympathy im just stating a fact ...
Ok well after i posted that yesterday, all of the attitudes just dissapeared, kinda randomly, they didn't know that i typed all of that, so kinda better. but yeah, idk, it just might be a now feeling, i could go back to that not so good.... i guess i have to play it by ear, idt that saying was right....
Mood: ok
Pt 2
Well all i have to say is that i guess sumtimes i get lonely, and when i do i seem to get depressed, now im not saying that for sympathy im just stating a fact there, i was thinking, rite now im that way and before i was like that to when i got lonely,, yep
Mood: kinda depressed
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07/29/2010 Why i so life complicated??...why is it when your in high school people expect way too much out of you?..why is the when you do a miastake, it seem like if it's the end of the world? i have tried to be the perfect child my family expects out of me, but when i do a slight mistake all of what i've worked for ends. i have to start from square one. yes i appear to be the perfect child, but in the inside i have a ticking bomb, and i feel like the expolsion is near. i ...
07/29/2010
Why i so life complicated??...why is it when your in high school people expect way too much out of you?..why is the when you do a miastake, it seem like if it's the end of the world? i have tried to be the perfect child my family expects out of me, but when i do a slight mistake all of what i've worked for ends. i have to start from square one.
yes i appear to be the perfect child, but in the inside i have a ticking bomb, and i feel like the expolsion is near. i have subside it by cutting myself, but that no longer seems to work.
i have made desions base on what my family want to see and hear. i have become their robot. I have no life of my own, because it has been stolen by them. when i try to take control they seem to find a way to lure me back into their gasps.
im suffacating. i have no reason to live, but when i do they take it away. they think they are doing what's best for me but when in reality they are hurting me the most.
they say they let me live as a teenager, but it seem more like a teenager in prison. i dont go out, because they don't trust me as much as too see i will always do the right thing.
i need a way out but it seems too much for now.....
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I Nearly Lost You. And I Have Never Ever Been So Afraid. I've Never Cried So Much In My LIfe. I Never Want To Have To Talk You Down... Never Want To Fear Not Holding You Again To Be Fearful That I Will Never Kiss Your S...
I Nearly Lost You.
And I Have Never Ever Been So Afraid.
I've Never Cried So Much In My LIfe.
I Never Want To Have To Talk You Down...
Never Want To Fear Not Holding You Again
To Be Fearful That I Will Never Kiss Your Soft, Perfect, Lips Again...
To Never Be Able To Hear You Say I Love You Again....
Or To Hear It Back...
I'm Going To Completely Change For You, Baby..
You'll Never Have To Worry Again.
I Promise You.
And I Mean It...
With Everything I Am....
I Love You, And I Will Never Hurt You Like That Again...
♥
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I draw my curtains and sit on my bed without turning the lights on. I bet they look at me and wonder, "What is she doing?" But I can't answer them.
I draw my curtains and sit on my bed without turning the lights on.
I bet they look at me and wonder, "What is she doing?"
But I can't answer them.
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I trusted you. You said you cared. I went to you for help. We promised each other honesty. Did you keep that promise? Of course not. I thought i might have more feelings for you and i tell you that but then you come up with some excuse about not knowing. Was that the truth? NO! You just didn't have the balls to tell me you don't have feelings for me. You lied to me! I don't mind that you don't have those feelings. But to not be honest with me? That weas like the most important thing in our re...
I trusted you. You said you cared. I went to you for help. We promised each other honesty. Did you keep that promise? Of course not. I thought i might have more feelings for you and i tell you that but then you come up with some excuse about not knowing. Was that the truth? NO! You just didn't have the balls to tell me you don't have feelings for me. You lied to me! I don't mind that you don't have those feelings. But to not be honest with me? That weas like the most important thing in our relationship. I told you about Zach and everything. I told you everything, even when i was crying on the phone and you still lied. You are the one person i thought was being completely honest and you weren't!!!! What else is a lie? what else are you hiding? Am i some poor girl you started talking to so you can laugh at my problems with your buddies?
i am sure you know who you are you are reading this but dont be upset, i am just venting. thanks for listening.
--vicki
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I am just so tired of all of this. I don't know how much more i can take. All of everything lately is just pure drama and i cant take it. im seriously pissed, and im about to leave for good this time. All i ever wanted was to help the ones i care about, and all it has done is rip everything away from me. Its not like i have done anything wrong, and i have thought about everything i have said and everything and i have not done anything, to hurt anyone in anyway, and yet nothing. Every time i ...
I am just so tired of all of this. I don't know how much more i can take. All of everything lately is just pure drama and i cant take it. im seriously pissed, and im about to leave for good this time. All i ever wanted was to help the ones i care about, and all it has done is rip everything away from me. Its not like i have done anything wrong, and i have thought about everything i have said and everything and i have not done anything, to hurt anyone in anyway, and yet nothing. Every time i try to say anything or try to help someone i just end up loosing them and im sick of that. I never meant for any one to get hurt or for that person to have any reason to hate me or what ever.
Theirs so many different problems going on now its fucked up. I miss everyone of the people Ive lost and i always will.Sam, Al,Heather,Holly,Ayden,Alex,Niki,Anthony.so yeah tell me what.the.fuck.is.wrong.with.me.
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Well, I have very bad news..... My uncle has a few days to live... My family is very broken up about it. It... hurts. The sad thing is, he's ok with it.... I don't want him gone, but I know that God and Goddess alike from any religion, wherever he's going, they will look over him.
Well, I have very bad news..... My uncle has a few days to live... My family is very broken up about it. It... hurts. The sad thing is, he's ok with it.... I don't want him gone, but I know that God and Goddess alike from any religion, wherever he's going, they will look over him.
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..I just found out..some one who was close to me..wants to kill them self..I've lost..a lot of people that had been close to me to suicide..and I dont think I can take it anymore..If he does so,then I doubt I can handle it..If I cant stop him..I dont even want to think about it now..Its already starting to upset me and my chests starting to hurt again..so many I should go..anyways..bye guys..
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So me and Jasmine broke up today. I don't know what to feel. This is actually my first REAL break up. I feel all hot inside and just when I thought things were changing for me...this happens. I don't really know what I'm going to do. We're still friends which I'm glad about, but now... It happened on facebook, irony I guess haha. Started on facebook and it ends on facebook. FML. here's the message she sent "In case you havent been checking your tagged page I'm breaking up with you, a...
So me and Jasmine broke up today. I don't know what to feel. This is actually my first REAL break up. I feel all hot inside and just when I thought things were changing for me...this happens. I don't really know what I'm going to do. We're still friends which I'm glad about, but now... It happened on facebook, irony I guess haha. Started on facebook and it ends on facebook. FML. here's the message she sent
"In case you havent been checking your tagged page I'm breaking up with you, and you ought to know why. (Tagged home page). I hope we can still be friends,but never in a lifetime would I want to be your girlfriend anymore."
So I guess she kinda found out I was bi...I mean I guess it's for the best, and hey we grow and learn from these things. I guess...we just weren't meant to be. I feel kinda sick now. Sick of myself. Death would be easier than this love. I'll live, I have to right. I feel like shit.
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It's only 11:33 am. But already, I know it's been another horrible day for me. I won't go into details about it , because i don't really expect anybody to read this. But if you want to know why i am feeling so awful, specifically today , you can message me/comment and ask. I would love to tell somebody, so at least somebody knows. I just dont think anybody cares enough. And now for the second part of this journal. I think, today, I am going to do it. I am going to break...
It's only 11:33 am. But already, I know it's been another horrible day for me.
I won't go into details about it , because i don't really expect anybody to read this.
But if you want to know why i am feeling so awful, specifically today , you can message me/comment and ask. I would love to tell somebody, so at least somebody knows. I just dont think anybody cares enough.
And now for the second part of this journal.
I think, today, I am going to do it. I am going to break up with my boyfriend (SAP meaning Sterling Alexander Proctor).
I'll do this, if i can actually push myself into getting out of the house.
I've never ever ever wanted to let go of Sterling!!!!!!!!! He's the only person in my life who really cares about me and he at least tries to understand.
But I think I'm holding him down. The guy's 19, he needs to get out and see the world! And how can he do that when he has a 15 year old girlfriend with manic depression? That makes me think of the movie "Benny and Joon", where even as a grown man, a brother has to take care of his adult sister who has mental issues.
I don't want to be Sterling's Joon! And so I'll let him go, seeing as I'm alone anyway. He won't mind one bit.
By the way, this is not why I feel like shit.
Have a wonderful day,
-Fivel Blake Hughes
haha. those make me smile.
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So tired of sleeping then seeing ur face and wut u did to me. I hate waking up screaming and crying like I did that night. I hate having to cry myself back to sleep trying to stop shaking. Idk why I keep seeing your face when I close my eyes. I wanna be able to sleep all night with out waking up crying. I need help, but idk who could help me. These dreams are getting worse. I don't know why...I just want them to stop.
So tired of sleeping then seeing ur face and wut u did to me. I hate waking up screaming and crying like I did that night. I hate having to cry myself back to sleep trying to stop shaking. Idk why I keep seeing your face when I close my eyes. I wanna be able to sleep all night with out waking up crying. I need help, but idk who could help me. These dreams are getting worse. I don't know why...I just want them to stop.
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today I realized something. I alot of times find myself wondering what went wrong wit a girl I found myself in love with. I thought of how much I wanted to contact her. then I looked at the phone I used to contact her and found a missed call. turns out it wasnt her. then I checked my messages and found none from her. I put the phone to the side and sighed thinking,"man I want to talk to her, but does she want to talk to me?" I mean, she said she still cared but she wont even messege me in...
today I realized something.
I alot of times find myself wondering what went wrong wit a girl I found myself in love with. I thought of how much I wanted to contact her. then I looked at the phone I used to contact her and found a missed call. turns out it wasnt her. then I checked my messages and found none from her. I put the phone to the side and sighed thinking,"man I want to talk to her, but does she want to talk to me?" I mean, she said she still cared but she wont even messege me in facebook. so I also find myself lookin in a new direction, a new girl has caught my interest and seems to be interested in me. so I made a tuff but necissarry choice, I chose to move on. though I still care about the girl from before, I cant do this bull anymore. Im sick of hurting for her sake not even thinking about why! this is the end of me as I used to be. my heartbreak poems need to end. no longer can linlin hurt me and me just let it. I found that missing shard of my heart and this is a shout out to anyone who may want to change my mind. why should I? if people agree wit me, than go ahead and tell me. I need to be sure that Im making the right move.
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the pain that goes through my body it burns every piece of my mind what have i done to cause this? my restraint casued my pain try to do something good and instead do something bad my will to live my will to die which one will i choose to side with?
the pain that goes through my body
it burns every piece of my mind
what have i done to cause this?
my restraint casued my pain
try to do something good
and instead do something bad
my will to live
my will to die
which one will i choose to side with?
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by An Empty World
on Jul 26 11:18 PM, In Anger, Death, Hurt, Life, Love, Pain, Personal, Real, Sadness, Suicide.
300 words.
All.
0 comments.
Dear Zach, I miss you and everything you were to me. I miss your smile, your odd sayings, your cute gestures, and your unbelievable talent at making me laugh. You were there for me through so much of my life. Even on that last day you were there... asking ME how I was. I remember everything you said to me that day, EVERYTHING. I even remember how happy I was being back in that spot with you back to that closeness from our childhood days. Zach... when I think about what you d...
Dear Zach,
I miss you and everything you were to me. I miss your smile, your odd sayings, your cute gestures, and your unbelievable talent at making me laugh. You were there for me through so much of my life. Even on that last day you were there... asking ME how I was. I remember everything you said to me that day, EVERYTHING. I even remember how happy I was being back in that spot with you back to that closeness from our childhood days.
Zach... when I think about what you did and how you supposedly never planned it, it hurts me. Do you regret it? After you did it, did you think "Oh shit... no!" or was there a sense of relief? Was it really what you wanted or did you just act on anger and hurt?
I should've known. I should have noticed that look on your face and read into it a lot closer. I should have told you how important you were to everyone including me and promised to call you that night.
Your poor brother. What he saw... it will forever be etched into my brain. It's a nightmare that I can't stop living inside my head. And Im sure it's 100 times worse for him. I closemy eyes and instead of seeing that happy smiling face, I see what he saw... and it kills me inside to know that that was you. My Zachariah Micheal Gerald McDougal.
Everyone claims to have a different piece to the puzzle, some new information that nobody else knows... something that will explain to everyone else, what the truth was. But I know you did it on purpose... the shed was short... if you had any second thoughts about the pain, the loss of air, you would've simply placed your feet back onto the ground. And thats what hurts me the most.
I'll never forget you, or the way I felt about you. And your funeral will never be erased from my mind. The enormous ammount of people who loved you... I just wish you would've known that hun.
I love you buddy, and I hope you're having a wonderful time in heaven and/or beyond. You deserve that break you so desperately attempted to get, and I'm sorry you felt that was the only way out. See you on the other side, man.
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