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My baby girl, Sakura. Thank you to Gauntletier for helping me come up with the name
My baby girl, Sakura. Thank you to Gauntletier for helping me come up with the name
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I learnt something today, something that made me think about what I am, and who I want. I know that things in life are the most complicated things that anyone can comprehend with. I took the time to realise that, no only am I proud of who I am, but I'm proud of the people who aren't afraid. Loving and caring for people is different than wanting to be with them forever and share your life and your bed with them. It's about being true. Being honest. I want to be honest with the world and I know...
I learnt something today, something that made me think about what I am, and who I want. I know that things in life are the most complicated things that anyone can comprehend with. I took the time to realise that, no only am I proud of who I am, but I'm proud of the people who aren't afraid. Loving and caring for people is different than wanting to be with them forever and share your life and your bed with them. It's about being true. Being honest. I want to be honest with the world and I know that it hurt some people when things like this happen but, I know what I want. What I want is to be with my girl forever. I want to ask something, I don't need an answer but: What do you want? I want people to be happy, to be who they are and be proud of who they love. You see, all these sex maniacs aren't so bad, but they fail to see love. How can you truly know someone through just sex, but how can you know them without? It's the border, the line that you either choose to cross or not. For me I see that this line isn't something I want to cross with more than the person that I am with now. I can't take to see people sad, but I'm sick of hiding away with everything else. I know to some people that what I am going on about makes no sense at all, but to me, it makes perfect sense, and for some reason I can't stop typing. I have never ever wanted anything more that to be out, as they say "out and proud" but so many people in my life have tried to stop me and why? I ask myself why? Still I'm not a 100% sure but I know one thing. I won't let them be in my way or judge me any longer. I'm so out! I'm so gay that no one will ever change me. I have always wanted to be honest and now, look at me. I'm finally being the Salliee that everyone didn't want me to be. I know to some I'm a disappointment, and to others, damn you will understand me more now, but why be mad? I'm still me. I can't stop thinking about the one girl that makes me happy to the point I want to marry her. I want to have a life with her, and make her feel like the princess she is. Why is it that people tell me, you're to close to your male friends to be gay, how are you? They are my FRIENDS, just friends. I love them to pieces but I don't want to jump in their bed. I found my path, I found my true meaning and I want people to know me and have me as their friend. Tab is my guarded princess and I still am the dyke in shinning armour that saved her. I don't know if she truly thanks me for it but, hell I'm so gl...
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I want to fall in love. The butterflies in the stomach. The hours spent doing nothing. The wanting to be together all the time. I want all that. And more.
I want to fall in love.
The butterflies in the stomach.
The hours spent doing nothing.
The wanting to be together all the time.
I want all that. And more.
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August 10, 2009 I bet you cant even remember what happened that day That was the day we met The day i thought my life meant something Boy did everything change January 18, 2010 Everyone knows that day Martin Luther King Jr. Day But to me the start of it all Our first date We snuck out early in the morning You drove and sang to me in the cold Do remember where we went? We went to the mall So many firsts happened that day I will ...
August 10, 2009
I bet you cant even remember what happened that day
That was the day we met
The day i thought my life meant something
Boy did everything change
January 18, 2010
Everyone knows that day
Martin Luther King Jr. Day
But to me the start of it all
Our first date
We snuck out early in the morning
You drove and sang to me in the cold
Do remember where we went?
We went to the mall
So many firsts happened that day
I will always remember the things you'v said and done
February 23, 2010
Who knew being an artist would come in hand
You grabbed me when i was painting
Decided you missed me too much to wait 3 more hours
Ill never know what happened during 6th period that day
The school basement is so much more memorable now
We had our first kiss there
February 26, 2010
Who knew tutoring would be so fun
Or at least thats what my parents that i was doing
We had 2 hours together
Not nearly enough time but we made it work
As soon as school let out we drove to the park
So much for playing on the swings
It poured rain and never stopped
My mom never did believe i fell into a puddle of mud
April 28, 2010
The best date of my life took place
We didnt eat dinner
We didnt watch a movie
Everything was closed
And everyone was asleep
We snuck out at 1 in the morning
You even stole your mom's car
How i love the park
We walked until i fell on you from fear of what was hiding
"Dont worry. I'll protect with my life. Mo matter what." You said
I fell in love that night
You told me you love me
"I love you too" I replied.
We started fooling around but it didnt go far
5 a.m was when my alarm started to ring and thats when we speed home
I didnt make it past 2nd period before i crashed
I missed you so much that day
Your mom forbid you from going to school sense you had the "flu"
June 7, 2010
That night we truely made love come alive
My parents left on vacation and you slept over
Not much sleeping happened
We proved to eachother what our love really means
You were my first
My only
I felt as though the whole world disappeared
It ended too soon
You had to go home before your parents woke up
July 14, 2010
Did you forget?
I stayed up crying
I didnt want to believe what i heard
No answer
I pra...
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I feel like I am losing control... A control I have worked so hard to maintain so that someone doesn't end up hurt. My temper flares more often than I keep track, and there are times when I just start to cry for no apparent reason. At work I pace to keep myself focused and mentally grounded. Last Saturday it didn't work. Half of the time I was pacing I didn't know where I was, and the remaining time I spent thinking: "Give me a knife, give me a razor blade. Give me something so I can ha...
I feel like I am losing control... A control I have worked so hard to maintain so that someone doesn't end up hurt. My temper flares more often than I keep track, and there are times when I just start to cry for no apparent reason. At work I pace to keep myself focused and mentally grounded. Last Saturday it didn't work. Half of the time I was pacing I didn't know where I was, and the remaining time I spent thinking: "Give me a knife, give me a razor blade. Give me something so I can have some sort of release."
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Crystal and Rachel are meeting tomorrow morning. Amanda won't be there 'cause she has strep throat and a fever; poor girl. Crystal and Rachel are going with me to my appointment with Pat tomorrow at 9 am. Andrew's dad died on May 30, 2010 at 8: 25 am. Visitation is at Cornerstone Bible Fellowship from 4-7 pm. "If I had thirty seconds to live, this is how I would want to spend them... Looking into your eyes." ~Xena to Gabrielle
Crystal and Rachel are meeting tomorrow morning. Amanda won't be there 'cause she has strep throat and a fever; poor girl. Crystal and Rachel are going with me to my appointment with Pat tomorrow at 9 am. Andrew's dad died on May 30, 2010 at 8: 25 am. Visitation is at Cornerstone Bible Fellowship from 4-7 pm.
"If I had thirty seconds to live, this is how I would want to spend them... Looking into your eyes." ~Xena to Gabrielle
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I'm tired of faking a smile and pretending everything's okay when it isn't. When the smile hides the frown, a laugh hides the tears. I may not show it, and no may be aware of it, but I'm slowly dying inside.
I'm tired of faking a smile and pretending everything's okay when it isn't. When the smile hides the frown, a laugh hides the tears. I may not show it, and no may be aware of it, but I'm slowly dying inside.
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by Wind Chaser
6 hours ago, In Anger, Angst, Bitter, Depression, Escape, Hate, My life, Pain, Personal, Teen issues.
100 words.
All.
0 comments.
Had two sexual encounters on Wednesday with guys I didn't really know. Cut myself again last night, it was worse than last time. But, it was a release. I just want to be held and told everything will be okay! But, I know it's not going to happen. I'm lost, I don't know who I even am anymore. I feel like one of these days I'm just going to quit caring and I'm going to let go of all the control I have fought so hard to maintain. If that happens, I know someone will end up hurt.
Had two sexual encounters on Wednesday with guys I didn't really know. Cut myself again last night, it was worse than last time. But, it was a release. I just want to be held and told everything will be okay! But, I know it's not going to happen. I'm lost, I don't know who I even am anymore.
I feel like one of these days I'm just going to quit caring and I'm going to let go of all the control I have fought so hard to maintain. If that happens, I know someone will end up hurt.
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I hate it when I don't know what I feel... I spend so much of my time in oblivion. Maybe Sid doesn't care as much as I think he does. He can't stay mad at me forever over what others are saying. I can't control what others think or say, they are entitled to their own opinion.
I hate it when I don't know what I feel... I spend so much of my time in oblivion. Maybe Sid doesn't care as much as I think he does. He can't stay mad at me forever over what others are saying. I can't control what others think or say, they are entitled to their own opinion.
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At the ER at Skiff, being transferred to Mercy-Franklin. Been here since 12ish. Crystal stayed till almost two. Talked to Rachel. Want and need to talk to Sid, tried calling. He was sleeping. I'm terrified of how he will react when he finds out, and if he will care enough to come when I need him. I love him so much it hurts. Granted, he didn't know when he broke up with me yesterday that it was the worst thing he could do at the moment. I just want to run. I'm tired ...
At the ER at Skiff, being transferred to Mercy-Franklin. Been here since 12ish. Crystal stayed till almost two. Talked to Rachel. Want and need to talk to Sid, tried calling. He was sleeping.
I'm terrified of how he will react when he finds out, and if he will care enough to come when I need him. I love him so much it hurts. Granted, he didn't know when he broke up with me yesterday that it was the worst thing he could do at the moment.
I just want to run. I'm tired of waiting... I'm tired of fighting. I just can't feel right now; it's easier not to.
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I feel so dead inside. I'm a living zombie... I'm just going through the motions. I'm lying when I say I'm fine. A smile hides the frown and a laugh hides the tears. Nothing is fine. When I don't want to feel, I can't stop. And when I want to feel I'm so out of it that I can't.
I feel so dead inside. I'm a living zombie... I'm just going through the motions.
I'm lying when I say I'm fine. A smile hides the frown and a laugh hides the tears. Nothing is fine. When I don't want to feel, I can't stop. And when I want to feel I'm so out of it that I can't.
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It's a constant battle to be good enough. To be able to measure up to everyone else's standards. But I'm never allowed to pass the test. The eyes are a mirror into the soul. It's too bad no one ever sees the truth reflected in them... Why can I pretend I'm okay and everyone believes it, but when I show them that I'm not they think I should be? Some people believe in hell, but the truth is life itself is hell. Why do I feel unworthy of being happy or of being loved? The...
It's a constant battle to be good enough. To be able to measure up to everyone else's standards. But I'm never allowed to pass the test. The eyes are a mirror into the soul. It's too bad no one ever sees the truth reflected in them... Why can I pretend I'm okay and everyone believes it, but when I show them that I'm not they think I should be?
Some people believe in hell, but the truth is life itself is hell. Why do I feel unworthy of being happy or of being loved?
The voices talk to me and I answer. Some would call me crazy, but for me it's normal.
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I just wish I could turn back the clock... April 2010. One single month of true happiness in a lifetime of misery. Eight hours of pure joy. Intense passion. All gone now. Lost forever with nothing left of those two days but a memory. Some people say time heals all. But, it doesn't. Some wounds can start to heal and then be ripped open again. Why do I see a brick wall when I look to the future? Words that would begin to describe how I feel at the moment: Numb. It's easier ...
I just wish I could turn back the clock... April 2010. One single month of true happiness in a lifetime of misery. Eight hours of pure joy. Intense passion. All gone now. Lost forever with nothing left of those two days but a memory.
Some people say time heals all. But, it doesn't. Some wounds can start to heal and then be ripped open again. Why do I see a brick wall when I look to the future? Words that would begin to describe how I feel at the moment: Numb. It's easier to block it all out than to analyze it right now. I'm empty inside, and I'm alone on the outside. The smile is a lie...
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Ok well after i posted that yesterday, all of the attitudes just dissapeared, kinda randomly, they didn't know that i typed all of that, so kinda better. but yeah, idk, it just might be a now feeling, i could go back to that not so good.... i guess i have to play it by ear, idt that saying was right.... Mood: ok Pt 2 Well all i have to say is that i guess sumtimes i get lonely, and when i do i seem to get depressed, now im not saying that for sympathy im just stating a fact ...
Ok well after i posted that yesterday, all of the attitudes just dissapeared, kinda randomly, they didn't know that i typed all of that, so kinda better. but yeah, idk, it just might be a now feeling, i could go back to that not so good.... i guess i have to play it by ear, idt that saying was right....
Mood: ok
Pt 2
Well all i have to say is that i guess sumtimes i get lonely, and when i do i seem to get depressed, now im not saying that for sympathy im just stating a fact there, i was thinking, rite now im that way and before i was like that to when i got lonely,, yep
Mood: kinda depressed
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07/29/2010 Why i so life complicated??...why is it when your in high school people expect way too much out of you?..why is the when you do a miastake, it seem like if it's the end of the world? i have tried to be the perfect child my family expects out of me, but when i do a slight mistake all of what i've worked for ends. i have to start from square one. yes i appear to be the perfect child, but in the inside i have a ticking bomb, and i feel like the expolsion is near. i ...
07/29/2010
Why i so life complicated??...why is it when your in high school people expect way too much out of you?..why is the when you do a miastake, it seem like if it's the end of the world? i have tried to be the perfect child my family expects out of me, but when i do a slight mistake all of what i've worked for ends. i have to start from square one.
yes i appear to be the perfect child, but in the inside i have a ticking bomb, and i feel like the expolsion is near. i have subside it by cutting myself, but that no longer seems to work.
i have made desions base on what my family want to see and hear. i have become their robot. I have no life of my own, because it has been stolen by them. when i try to take control they seem to find a way to lure me back into their gasps.
im suffacating. i have no reason to live, but when i do they take it away. they think they are doing what's best for me but when in reality they are hurting me the most.
they say they let me live as a teenager, but it seem more like a teenager in prison. i dont go out, because they don't trust me as much as too see i will always do the right thing.
i need a way out but it seems too much for now.....
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All too often we take things for granted. Not because we are self-loving and vain, but because we are just ignorant and unaware. We eat the food we like, drink whatever we want, sleep in our beds, use as much water as we desire to... When do we think about it? Today, because of repair works, the water supply for my village was cut off for half of the day. I stored water in buckets and the like yesterday, so I managed the situation, but seriously - it made me think. ...
All too often we take things for granted. Not because we are self-loving and vain, but because we are just ignorant and unaware.
We eat the food we like, drink whatever we want, sleep in our beds, use as much water as we desire to... When do we think about it?
Today, because of repair works, the water supply for my village was cut off for half of the day. I stored water in buckets and the like yesterday, so I managed the situation, but seriously - it made me think.
Many people waste a lot of water by using more than they'd need. Or they wash their clothes every day - even though they are not actually dirty (no offense meant, but I've especially experienced that with Americans).
Water is not the only example. Electricity in general. TVs in every room, and a computer in every second one - and all of them are on at least half of the day -- is that necessary?
Lights on even in empty rooms, just because we forget to turn it off, or are too lazy to do so.
We eat great big meals, even when we're not hungry, we go out for dinner.
Many are dependent on internet, several chat rooms, e-mails, cell phones etc. Some even drive to their own letter box just because they're too lazy to walk.
I don't want to offend anyone, and I don't want to say we shouldn't use what was given us. I just want us all to be more aware of what we are doing. There are people in this world who don't have water or electricity on a regular basis. There are kids who are starving. People that can't even WRITE an e-mail because they are illiterate. They are too poor to afford an education.
I hope people who are better off than that will start caring.
And maybe the next time you open the tap, you'll remember these words, and don't use more water than needed...
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So I'm really bored. Ask me some questions. I would love to answer anything (:
So
I'm really bored.
Ask me some questions.
I would love to answer anything (:
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The basic point of me actually writing a journal entry is because what's going on isn't pure fiction or the will of my own mind. It's because that life happens, and in life it's all real, even when we don't want it to be. And, unfortunately, this is real. I'm terrified for a friend. Now, this is where you think, "Well, genius, if you're a good person you help them through it or go see them. You listen.". But what do you do whenever they can't open up anymore and you honestly have no ...
The basic point of me actually writing a journal entry is because what's going on isn't pure fiction or the will of my own mind. It's because that life happens, and in life it's all real, even when we don't want it to be. And, unfortunately, this is real.
I'm terrified for a friend. Now, this is where you think, "Well, genius, if you're a good person you help them through it or go see them. You listen.". But what do you do whenever they can't open up anymore and you honestly have no way of seeing them?
I can't and don't want to go into details, but that's the only way to actually understand any of this. So I guess I'll leave you with this random, pointless question to ponder:
How can you spend an eternity with someone if eternity never begins?
Think about it, and leave me a comment telling me your response or idea from the question.
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Geez, I don't know if I'm allowed to say. Is it against AP rules? Ever been put on an ignore list by someone you don't know? Someone you've never had words with? I only found out when I tried to enter a contest run by this person. Crap! Is it a he or a she? Don't even know that much! Well, I won't put the whole username in my journal, but it does contain "vain" in it. Go figure. If you're out there, I have one person on all of AP ignoring me and it's you. What's you...
Geez, I don't know if I'm allowed to say. Is it against AP rules?
Ever been put on an ignore list by someone you don't know? Someone you've never had words with? I only found out when I tried to enter a contest run by this person. Crap! Is it a he or a she? Don't even know that much!
Well, I won't put the whole username in my journal, but it does contain "vain" in it. Go figure.
If you're out there, I have one person on all of AP ignoring me and it's you. What's your problem?
Kim
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Today is September 11th 2009 It's the last day of the first week of school. I don't really know what to say about today. B days this year kick ass :] ~-~-~-~-~-~ I have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I'm waiting to eat it. My stomach grumbles in mild frustration and strain. My brain may not be able to last very long today because I got up early and didn't need to. Yuck. Could've slept in and didn't?! Ridiculous!!
Today is September 11th 2009
It's the last day of the first week of school. I don't really know what to say about today. B days this year kick ass :]
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I have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I'm waiting to eat it. My stomach grumbles in mild frustration and strain. My brain may not be able to last very long today because I got up early and didn't need to. Yuck. Could've slept in and didn't?! Ridiculous!!
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I took this class because I love to write. If I could I would write in my sleep. It soothes me. I can write all day if I wanted. My first couple days at school have been pretty exciting. I really like my teachers. I think it's going to be a very fun year. All my life I have loved to read and write. Hopefully this year I get a better graspof what kind of style of writing I prefer, and I definitely would like to improve in all my areas of writing. I want to start writing more often, more co...
I took this class because I love to write. If I could I would write in my sleep. It soothes me. I can write all day if I wanted.
My first couple days at school have been pretty exciting. I really like my teachers. I think it's going to be a very fun year. All my life I have loved to read and write. Hopefully this year I get a better graspof what kind of style of writing I prefer, and I definitely would like to improve in all my areas of writing. I want to start writing more often, more consistantly. I've taken a creative writing class before but I was a little disappointed that I ddin't really learn much or improve. i felt like I didn't get any feedback and this year I'm hoping that it will be different this time around. I think I'm going to like this class a lot, though. I'm feeling kind of tired today. I guess the second day is always a tad worse than the first? I really want to start drawing more. Get more in tune with colors and lines and such.
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Ask anyone what the biggest irritation in their life is and the answer is “A fk’n car-guard.” In a place where the unemployed numbers exceed those employed, there is always a niche for the enterprising person. The attitude being if they are prepared to work, they have a right to demand money. (oh no! that’s not extortion!!) If there is enough inches to park a car anywhere, however remote, there is a car guard waiting to “assist” you in return for compensation. (Notes please, they are easier t...
Ask anyone what the biggest irritation in their life is and the answer is “A fk’n car-guard.” In a place where the unemployed numbers exceed those employed, there is always a niche for the enterprising person. The attitude being if they are prepared to work, they have a right to demand money. (oh no! that’s not extortion!!) If there is enough inches to park a car anywhere, however remote, there is a car guard waiting to “assist” you in return for compensation. (Notes please, they are easier to carry)
You get 2 classes of car guard...
1) Man in a semi-uniform and fluorescent bib who looks after your car when you park it in a public place, ensuring that no lowlife removes the radio/wheels etc. Normally also assists in waving you in/out of the bay, stops traffic if necessary. They expect a reward for this valuable service and stand behind you until you cough up.
2) Drunken/drugged scum in filthy clothing who "looks after your car" when you park it in a public place. Normally he is so pissed he can't even see, OR he turns up after you come out of the venue, and mutters "I've been looking after your car bossie"
He also often removes the radio/wheels etc. Normally f’ks things up, by in waving you in/out of the bay with a set of signals based on Parkinson’s disease. More often than not you are so distracted by this a*hole trying to wave you in, that you ding the car anyway. They expect a reward for this valuable service. Said reward is often solicited first: i.e. demanding money with thinly veiled threats.
If you decline their services, you run the risk of having your car stolen or damaged. (An old key makes a most impressive scratch). They also prowl around with a bucket of filthy water and oily rags demanding to “wash” already clean cars. In addition to these services they try to sell “weed” which looks like it has been passed through a cow a few times first and is possibly just as effective as dry grass.
The answer really is to find a “regular”, be polite at all times and pay up graciously. Always ensure you are in possession heaps of money if you have many errands to run or carry a python around your neck.
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