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I'm single. Maybe I'm just not the type of girl to be in those type of relationships, cause I'm bound to not take things seriously. It was such a long and emotional thing and every about him is perfect, but I'm not, and I saw that imperfection with every evening I spent with him and I felt the pressure to live up to this idealization of the person he had in mind, when in all reality I wasn't even ready... I can't even figure out who i am, or who I wanna be but I do know that...
I'm single.
Maybe I'm just not the type of girl to be in those type of relationships, cause I'm bound to not take things seriously. It was such a long and emotional thing and every about him is perfect, but I'm not, and I saw that imperfection with every evening I spent with him and I felt the pressure to live up to this idealization of the person he had in mind, when in all reality I wasn't even ready...
I can't even figure out who i am, or who I wanna be but I do know that I need to worry about me, just me. Being alone and figuring out what I can do with my life. I need to know I can make it on my own, before I figure out if I can make it with someone else...I have all these dreams and aspirations and I haven't even begun to discover what my capabilities are.
I don't know me and I have no confidence in me, and I need to find these things, I need to build up these things to be able to give my all in a relationship like this one, one of the greats, one of those relationships that would have carried on for years, maybe leading to both of us just completely intertwining our lives together, but I'm not ready...and I can feel my heart beating hard against my chest, and I can hear the desperation through the phone as I'm talking to him, but I can't look back and get those "lonely" feelings anymore, it's time to move on and grow out of the bad habits.
I just keep seeing this bright and wonderful thing I might be giving up and maybe I am, maybe I will never find anything like this again and I'm just hopelessly throwing away the only thing that would have amounted to anything in my life. Can i live with leaving him behind for my own selfish conquests?
I can't begin to describe the feeling I have in my chest right now, it's worse than most things I've felt, and this dying dream of mine, the apartment the plans, the moving in, collge plans etc...it's all wound up in the same person i just told that I can't do this to. How can I know I am doing the right thing for me? When I've never in my life done the right things for myself. It's all about finding the dramatic and complications and nothing working out as planned, this one thing, this one boy, was to plan...and I threw it away.
UPDATE- We are still doing the trip later this month, as friends,
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I'm tired of faking a smile and pretending everything's okay when it isn't. When the smile hides the frown, a laugh hides the tears. I may not show it, and no may be aware of it, but I'm slowly dying inside.
I'm tired of faking a smile and pretending everything's okay when it isn't. When the smile hides the frown, a laugh hides the tears. I may not show it, and no may be aware of it, but I'm slowly dying inside.
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I hate it when I don't know what I feel... I spend so much of my time in oblivion. Maybe Sid doesn't care as much as I think he does. He can't stay mad at me forever over what others are saying. I can't control what others think or say, they are entitled to their own opinion.
I hate it when I don't know what I feel... I spend so much of my time in oblivion. Maybe Sid doesn't care as much as I think he does. He can't stay mad at me forever over what others are saying. I can't control what others think or say, they are entitled to their own opinion.
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Ok well after i posted that yesterday, all of the attitudes just dissapeared, kinda randomly, they didn't know that i typed all of that, so kinda better. but yeah, idk, it just might be a now feeling, i could go back to that not so good.... i guess i have to play it by ear, idt that saying was right.... Mood: ok Pt 2 Well all i have to say is that i guess sumtimes i get lonely, and when i do i seem to get depressed, now im not saying that for sympathy im just stating a fact ...
Ok well after i posted that yesterday, all of the attitudes just dissapeared, kinda randomly, they didn't know that i typed all of that, so kinda better. but yeah, idk, it just might be a now feeling, i could go back to that not so good.... i guess i have to play it by ear, idt that saying was right.... Mood: ok
Pt 2 Well all i have to say is that i guess sumtimes i get lonely, and when i do i seem to get depressed, now im not saying that for sympathy im just stating a fact there, i was thinking, rite now im that way and before i was like that to when i got lonely,, yep Mood: kinda depressed
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This guys made a beautiful song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2DPa1eGMpo Then this guy made a good attempt, but really was a little behind. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QabX6T9eqYI Then these guys had to ruin it: h...
This guys made a beautiful song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2DPa1eGMpo
Then this guy made a good attempt, but really was a little behind.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QabX6T9eqYI
Then these guys had to ruin it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5B-eJv_BVoA&feature=related
What's up with that rapping in the back, Aisha hates you! Even Jesus hates you.
And then this guy came:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJJYdY-9U-w
And he raped Aisha.
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The day has finally come. I've been waiting for it with bated breath...and it's rather depressing. When I grew up, the wishing-dream used to be, 'If I had a million dollars.' There was even a song about it. But now, a million dollars is just a mere sneeze and we need a billion dollars... Sigh.
The day has finally come. I've been waiting for it with bated breath...and it's rather depressing.
When I grew up, the wishing-dream used to be, 'If I had a million dollars.' There was even a song about it.
But now, a million dollars is just a mere sneeze and we need a billion dollars...
Sigh.
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i'm afraid i'm falling back into depression.. i don't want to talk, i don't want to move, i'm sad for no reason.. i think i'm going to start shutting myself down again. i'm not eating right. not only that, but school starts soon and i moved so i won't know anyone. i might close my FB account and whatnot. what do i do? i don't want to be the person i was before, but i don't want to fight the sadness either..
i'm afraid i'm falling back into depression.. i don't want to talk, i don't want to move, i'm sad for no reason.. i think i'm going to start shutting myself down again. i'm not eating right. not only that, but school starts soon and i moved so i won't know anyone. i might close my FB account and whatnot.
what do i do? i don't want to be the person i was before, but i don't want to fight the sadness either..
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QklF7jqoDaQ&feature=avmsc2 I heard this nice country song on tv and well I guess you can say it would be something someone special might tell me. I dunno really I just mean its so fimilar the words ro this song and its a great country song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QklF7jqoDaQ&feature=avmsc2 I heard this nice country song on tv and well I guess you can say it would be something someone special might tell me. I dunno really I just mean its so fimilar the words ro this song and its a great country song.
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Well people skool starts in 2 weeks for me and since i spend my whole summer on here , mom says no ipod n no laptop when skool starts. So i wont be on here often , ill miss u guys alot. I also need some time to relieve the anxiety im feeling right now , so ill put my ipod away n try to relax too. I guess this will be good for me , to relax my mind or at least occupy it. To emily maybe this was a case of wrong place and wrong time , but ill talk to u whenever i hav the time i promise hunny. Th...
Well people skool starts in 2 weeks for me and since i spend my whole summer on here , mom says no ipod n no laptop when skool starts. So i wont be on here often , ill miss u guys alot. I also need some time to relieve the anxiety im feeling right now , so ill put my ipod away n try to relax too. I guess this will be good for me , to relax my mind or at least occupy it. To emily maybe this was a case of wrong place and wrong time , but ill talk to u whenever i hav the time i promise hunny. Thank you all !
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I draw my curtains and sit on my bed without turning the lights on. I bet they look at me and wonder, "What is she doing?" But I can't answer them.
I draw my curtains and sit on my bed without turning the lights on.
I bet they look at me and wonder, "What is she doing?"
But I can't answer them.
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You're a one of a kind person, one of a kind friend I just wish you were still here with me You're still a one of a kind person, but your friendship i no longer need I'm stronger without you i'm better too but you're still one of a kind to me if only i could make you see You're a one of a kind person, one of a kind friend i just wish we had never spoken i still say you're a friend, but to you... i just my journey should end you ke...
You're a one of a kind person, one of a kind friend I just wish you were still here with me You're still a one of a kind person, but your friendship i no longer need
I'm stronger without you i'm better too but you're still one of a kind to me if only i could make you see
You're a one of a kind person, one of a kind friend i just wish we had never spoken i still say you're a friend, but to you... i just my journey should end
you kept me locked out when i needed you the most and then that last phone call made me realize i'm too good for you, but i still consider you a friend that's more credit than you give to me
i've tryied and tryied to make this work but i guess i pushed you away more than i helped i feel sorry for you, really i do but to me, you're still a one of a kind friend
part of another poem that i wrote:
This is what you mean to me you're now number 1 you're still a friend to me cause i still love you so but what do i mean to you
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I trusted you. You said you cared. I went to you for help. We promised each other honesty. Did you keep that promise? Of course not. I thought i might have more feelings for you and i tell you that but then you come up with some excuse about not knowing. Was that the truth? NO! You just didn't have the balls to tell me you don't have feelings for me. You lied to me! I don't mind that you don't have those feelings. But to not be honest with me? That weas like the most important thing in our re...
I trusted you. You said you cared. I went to you for help. We promised each other honesty. Did you keep that promise? Of course not. I thought i might have more feelings for you and i tell you that but then you come up with some excuse about not knowing. Was that the truth? NO! You just didn't have the balls to tell me you don't have feelings for me. You lied to me! I don't mind that you don't have those feelings. But to not be honest with me? That weas like the most important thing in our relationship. I told you about Zach and everything. I told you everything, even when i was crying on the phone and you still lied. You are the one person i thought was being completely honest and you weren't!!!! What else is a lie? what else are you hiding? Am i some poor girl you started talking to so you can laugh at my problems with your buddies?
i am sure you know who you are you are reading this but dont be upset, i am just venting. thanks for listening.
--vicki
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I feel joyful today! My puppy and I were playing just a while ago...she takes my mind off of things I really DO NOT! wanna face right now... R.I.P. PAW PAW BILL :'(
I feel joyful today! My puppy and I were playing just a while ago...she takes my mind off of things I really DO NOT! wanna face right now...
R.I.P. PAW PAW BILL :'(
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Well, I broke up with my boyfriend two weeks ago because, he did something stupid boys suck i know :'(... Well, my best friend of 17yrs (in August) just told me he loves me and always have so we are going to try and start dating... My ex live 1,510 miles away My Best Friend: 30 min so, i hope everything goes great with my friend!
Well, I broke up with my boyfriend two weeks ago because, he did something stupid boys suck i know :'(... Well, my best friend of 17yrs (in August) just told me he loves me and always have so we are going to try and start dating... My ex live 1,510 miles away My Best Friend: 30 min
so, i hope everything goes great with my friend!
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..I just found out..some one who was close to me..wants to kill them self..I've lost..a lot of people that had been close to me to suicide..and I dont think I can take it anymore..If he does so,then I doubt I can handle it..If I cant stop him..I dont even want to think about it now..Its already starting to upset me and my chests starting to hurt again..so many I should go..anyways..bye guys..
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So me and Jasmine broke up today. I don't know what to feel. This is actually my first REAL break up. I feel all hot inside and just when I thought things were changing for me...this happens. I don't really know what I'm going to do. We're still friends which I'm glad about, but now... It happened on facebook, irony I guess haha. Started on facebook and it ends on facebook. FML. here's the message she sent "In case you havent been checking your tagged page I'm breaking up with you, a...
So me and Jasmine broke up today. I don't know what to feel. This is actually my first REAL break up. I feel all hot inside and just when I thought things were changing for me...this happens. I don't really know what I'm going to do. We're still friends which I'm glad about, but now... It happened on facebook, irony I guess haha. Started on facebook and it ends on facebook. FML. here's the message she sent
"In case you havent been checking your tagged page I'm breaking up with you, and you ought to know why. (Tagged home page). I hope we can still be friends,but never in a lifetime would I want to be your girlfriend anymore."
So I guess she kinda found out I was bi...I mean I guess it's for the best, and hey we grow and learn from these things. I guess...we just weren't meant to be. I feel kinda sick now. Sick of myself. Death would be easier than this love. I'll live, I have to right. I feel like shit.
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It's only 11:33 am. But already, I know it's been another horrible day for me. I won't go into details about it , because i don't really expect anybody to read this. But if you want to know why i am feeling so awful, specifically today , you can message me/comment and ask. I would love to tell somebody, so at least somebody knows. I just dont think anybody cares enough. And now for the second part of this journal. I think, today, I am going to do it. I am going to break...
It's only 11:33 am. But already, I know it's been another horrible day for me. I won't go into details about it , because i don't really expect anybody to read this. But if you want to know why i am feeling so awful, specifically today , you can message me/comment and ask. I would love to tell somebody, so at least somebody knows. I just dont think anybody cares enough.
And now for the second part of this journal. I think, today, I am going to do it. I am going to break up with my boyfriend (SAP meaning Sterling Alexander Proctor). I'll do this, if i can actually push myself into getting out of the house. I've never ever ever wanted to let go of Sterling!!!!!!!!! He's the only person in my life who really cares about me and he at least tries to understand. But I think I'm holding him down. The guy's 19, he needs to get out and see the world! And how can he do that when he has a 15 year old girlfriend with manic depression? That makes me think of the movie "Benny and Joon", where even as a grown man, a brother has to take care of his adult sister who has mental issues. I don't want to be Sterling's Joon! And so I'll let him go, seeing as I'm alone anyway. He won't mind one bit. By the way, this is not why I feel like shit.
Have a wonderful day, -Fivel Blake Hughes haha. those make me smile.
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Last night, I had a dream. I saw the gravestones of all of my friends. But I did not weep, For I know this will happen in the end. Last night, my dream was not over. I saw the gravestone of a stranger. I knew not this stranger, nor did I read the stone. So why did I weep for this?
Last night, I had a dream. I saw the gravestones of all of my friends. But I did not weep, For I know this will happen in the end.
Last night, my dream was not over. I saw the gravestone of a stranger. I knew not this stranger, nor did I read the stone. So why did I weep for this?
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So tired of sleeping then seeing ur face and wut u did to me. I hate waking up screaming and crying like I did that night. I hate having to cry myself back to sleep trying to stop shaking. Idk why I keep seeing your face when I close my eyes. I wanna be able to sleep all night with out waking up crying. I need help, but idk who could help me. These dreams are getting worse. I don't know why...I just want them to stop.
So tired of sleeping then seeing ur face and wut u did to me. I hate waking up screaming and crying like I did that night. I hate having to cry myself back to sleep trying to stop shaking. Idk why I keep seeing your face when I close my eyes. I wanna be able to sleep all night with out waking up crying. I need help, but idk who could help me. These dreams are getting worse. I don't know why...I just want them to stop.
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Rules: 1.Choose a anime/manga pairing to start out- my pick: MadaIta (Madara Itachi) 2.get Mp3,Ipod,media player and set it on shuffle 3.write drabbles for that pairing that relates to the song. As soon as the ends you stop writing and no planing or skipping songs it takes the fun away. 4. Do aproximetly 5 no less. *NOte: By the way peopel i dont know how to write drabbles so forgive me for my writign mistake and grammer mistakes* Dancing with tears in my eyes by ...
Rules: 1.Choose a anime/manga pairing to start out- my pick: MadaIta (Madara Itachi) 2.get Mp3,Ipod,media player and set it on shuffle 3.write drabbles for that pairing that relates to the song. As soon as the ends you stop writing and no planing or skipping songs it takes the fun away. 4. Do aproximetly 5 no less. *NOte: By the way peopel i dont know how to write drabbles so forgive me for my writign mistake and grammer mistakes*
Dancing with tears in my eyes by Ke$ha: Madara wakes up laying on the couch with akillee hangover not rembering what happend last night, He goes to his room stumbling slightly to his room openign the door and sees a lump i his bed seeing 'him' laying there. little naked 10 year old itachi 'fuck...'
Speechless By Lady Gaga: "Itachi the truth is i..love you' He saud staring at the 6 year old blushing light pink " I know you do mom and dad love me too" Madara automaticly hung his hed sweat droping but got over it and pulled the little 6 year old uchiha in his lap "not that kind of love tachi" itachi looked up at his sensei "What kind of love do you mean sensei?" Madara shook his head "Never mind itachi ill tell you later". Unfortuntely Later came sooner then expected having to show how that 'candy' itachi found worked whcih clearly the candy was a box of condoms Itachi found under Madaras bed.
Bad Romance By Lady Gaga:
"Why did you rape me ..?" 10 year old itachi asked facign the front door "Itachi i told you i was drunk and i didnt know what i was doing..I didnt mena for it to be like this i wanted to show you that i loved you but not like this..im so sorry.." said a still hungover Madara staring at his students back. Itachi walked out the door closing it behind him walking back to his house uncofotably. By the time itachi got to his room Madara was there waiting for him, But Itachi ignored him and went to take a shower coming back otu few minutes later finding madara in his room still, Madara looded at Itachi and hugged him "I'm sorry."
Big Weenie By Eminem:
"Mean Sensei" little 10 year old Itachi pouted at his sensei after having him flick him in the forehead "It's not my fault your not being respectful" Itachi jsut stuck his tounge out at his sensei which only caused Madara to flick Itachi in the nose "ow! sensei is a big meanie" whcih only caused Itachi to pout more , MAdara only tunred away from the pouting weasel causing ITachi to whine on t...
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The deadly sins of Tombstone All noted on their graves So silent and all alone Some cowards some were brave The only thing that moves tumbleweeds pushed by wind All the death there proves The unruly deeds of men At night you'll hear a whisper Of those who fell unjust Or catch a sobbing whimper Of those beneath the dust Wyatt Earp made his mark Beneath those western skies Some souls did disembark When law they...
The deadly sins of Tombstone All noted on their graves So silent and all alone Some cowards some were brave
The only thing that moves tumbleweeds pushed by wind All the death there proves The unruly deeds of men
At night you'll hear a whisper Of those who fell unjust Or catch a sobbing whimper Of those beneath the dust
Wyatt Earp made his mark Beneath those western skies Some souls did disembark When law they did deny
Some had died for justice Some for cheating cards Some died for a mistress All lay in Boot Hill's yard
I be just one of many who rest there evermore Ghosts there are aplenty My name was Lester Moore
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people are all the same.... they don't know how to be different.... he never cared enough to look... no one did even after she'd leave them.. her heart her soul.. out on display ... ...one glance then never seen again .... my name is N:.... and in a room filled with one thousand others .... i AM invisible.............
people are all the same.... they don't know how to be different....
he never cared enough to look... no one did even after she'd leave them.. her heart her soul.. out on display ...
...one glance then never seen again
.... my name is N:.... and in a room filled with one thousand others .... i AM invisible.............
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Im tired of back stabing friends Im tired of always haing the bad ends People that say that they are ther then turn and run when things get tough im tired, of people hating me when they dont know me and randomly taking shots at me for no reason, when they dont know me acting like they dont Im not ok, i never have been i probably wont be but no one see's no one no one cares rite now im tired of everything tired of people hating each other
Im tired of back stabing friends Im tired of always haing the bad ends People that say that they are ther then turn and run when things get tough im tired, of people hating me when they dont know me and randomly taking shots at me for no reason, when they dont know me acting like they dont
Im not ok, i never have been i probably wont be but no one see's no one no one cares rite now im tired of everything tired of people hating each other im tired of sheading all of these tears im tired of having all of these fears
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Well, it's been a long time since I've written a journal on here. But I have much to tell, so here it goes. My friend invited me to her birthday party and I had to find a new swimsuit. So when my dad took me to find one, all the stores were closed! We had to go to two different Walmarts to find a swimsuit because they were the only stores close to us that were open. We finally found a swimsuit that was my size in the second Walmart. I had to shop in the women's section because there wasn't an...
Well, it's been a long time since I've written a journal on here. But I have much to tell, so here it goes. My friend invited me to her birthday party and I had to find a new swimsuit. So when my dad took me to find one, all the stores were closed! We had to go to two different Walmarts to find a swimsuit because they were the only stores close to us that were open. We finally found a swimsuit that was my size in the second Walmart. I had to shop in the women's section because there wasn't any swimsuits in the kids section or the juniors section. I can barely fit in the juniors section! Luckily I found an extra small black top in the womens section. Then we had to find a matching bottom and that was not easy. We eventually found some short-like bottoms but they were a size medium and that's the smallest there was... So you can imagine how big they were on me. But we bought it anyways. On Saturday my dad took me to my friend's house. When all the people finally made it to the party, we got all our stuff together and we had to get in one of the cars because there were too many peple just to take one. One of the cars was already full, so I had to get in the other. There was only three seats in the back and there was four of us. They made me sit up front. Alone. Everytime I got to my friend's party, I get left out. When we were swimming in the river, they all got together in a group and talked about who knows what, but I wasn't involved. So I was just swimming by myself. When we got in our tubes and floated down the river, they passed out air heads and there was only six in the pack and there was seven of us... Gues who didn't get one. Yup, it was me who didn't get one. they didn't talk to me while we were floating down the river. When we unconnected our tubes, they all caught up to each other and left me behind. I would get stuck in trees and on rocks and no one would help me. When we stopped on the shore for snacks, they took all the chips and I only got two or three. Then they didn't talk to me. When we got to our cookout spot, only one person talked to me. When we got to my friend's house, I didn't have a group to hang out with. I had to go back and forth just to find someone to talk to. The next morning after everyone ate people started leaving and I was the only one left so me and my friend could hang out. But she decided she wanted another friend over and invited her friend over. So when she got there, they completely didn't talk to me, so I had to c...
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I FUCKING HATE IT HERE!!!!! im always dizzy, its boring as hell!!! the food is nasty, everything is made differently, i wanna go home.*starts wailing and crying i wanna go home* *still cryin* i dont care that ill only get to do this once!! i hate it here!!!!!! if I dont get u guys (ki,alex,ty,britt) anything, im sorry, theres no gift shop at the hotel and im not supposed to leave the hotel, i wanna go home i hate it here! sure, double decker buses are fun but its still kinda boring..............
I FUCKING HATE IT HERE!!!!! im always dizzy, its boring as hell!!! the food is nasty, everything is made differently, i wanna go home.*starts wailing and crying i wanna go home* *still cryin* i dont care that ill only get to do this once!! i hate it here!!!!!! if I dont get u guys (ki,alex,ty,britt) anything, im sorry, theres no gift shop at the hotel and im not supposed to leave the hotel, i wanna go home i hate it here! sure, double decker buses are fun but its still kinda boring........... I WANNA GO HOME!!!!!!! im homesick, my chest is aching, i wanna go home. and just to let u guys know, i cried on the inside writing this.....
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I tried so hard not to take it. I really did, honest. Lauren had already destroyed our piece of celery and was busy examining a piece under the microscope. I looked at it. Small. Shiny. Perfect. I wanted it. I didn't care what it had already come into contact with. All I knew was that I couldn't take my eyes off it. I needed it.
I tried so hard not to take it. I really did, honest. Lauren had already destroyed our piece of celery and was busy examining a piece under the microscope. I looked at it. Small. Shiny. Perfect. I wanted it. I didn't care what it had already come into contact with. All I knew was that I couldn't take my eyes off it. I needed it.
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So, I dream big and I guess I fail big too. I want so much but I seem to doing my wants incorrectly, inefficiently, badly, injustly, wrongly, and generally failingly. I guess I can't do anything good. I want to but I cant. I try so many things and yet I try so hard. I try so hard to strategize and do the best. But my best is a failure. It runs things to the ground. Maybe I am a bad leader and I am not meant to lead at all. Maybe I am a wishful dreamer who deserves everything bad. Maybe I shou...
So, I dream big and I guess I fail big too. I want so much but I seem to doing my wants incorrectly, inefficiently, badly, injustly, wrongly, and generally failingly. I guess I can't do anything good. I want to but I cant. I try so many things and yet I try so hard. I try so hard to strategize and do the best. But my best is a failure. It runs things to the ground. Maybe I am a bad leader and I am not meant to lead at all. Maybe I am a wishful dreamer who deserves everything bad. Maybe I should stop dreaming and just give up. Maybe I should pursue something else instead of failing and failing again. I am not depressed I am just saddened. I did something big but is it for nothing? What do I live life for if I fail and fail? Why live a live of constant failure and loss? I want to win some too, to be successful. I wish to live a life of success and good things. But what solution do I have? Maybe I should step down from my leadership position? Maybe I am not to lead at all or not a group ofpeople? I am confused and don't know what to do. I've been in charge of many dead things as all I've been in charge of is dead. It looks like what I am in charge of is going and dying and might be dead if I or someone doesn't do something big and helps. I am ineficient inefective and rotten. I want power but I can't seem to use or handle it. Maybe not good enough or correctly. Maybe I am very wrong and stupid, Maybe I should not strategize, and lead? Maybe I should focus on finding answers and spreading truths? Maybe I should let someone capable lead things and run things so it's successful and not die? Hmmmmmmmmmm..... I dunno.....
Can someone help? Maybe some encouraging words? I hate feeling like a failure and a looter and no gooder. I've thought of giving up my leadership positions, a few times. should I do this?
Search synonyms for Sad: down mean base simple light dark heavy common rank soft
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