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5 hours until people start arriving at my house for the party bus /limo thing for prom. 5 hours until people notice that he is not here. 5 hours until I have to explain to everyone that he is sick. it's been 3 days since he dumped me. 3 days since he's complained about being sick, throwing up and having a fever. 3 days since we decided he'd still come to my prom as a friend because goddamnit it would be so fucking rude to ditch me now. and he'...
5 hours until people start arriving at my house for the party bus /limo thing for prom.
5 hours until people notice that he is not here.
5 hours until I have to explain to everyone that he is sick.
it's been 3 days since he dumped me.
3 days since he's complained about being sick, throwing up and having a fever.
3 days since we decided he'd still come to my prom as a friend because goddamnit it would be so fucking rude to ditch me now.
and he's not coming.
what a downer.
~
in the beginning of the year I never really cared about prom. it wasn't a big deal to me, especially since my school doesn't have a real prom. it's all of highschool have this formal even at the end of the year, so I've been technically going to prom since I was in grade 8.
and then I met him and everything seemed so perfect. I was so happy. I still think he is perfect. he would be my prom date and we were dating and he was basically my boyfriend. and then three fucking days ago he decides to dump me. who does that right before prom? why couldn't he have waited one week. would it have been so hard to use me? what kind of guy has morals nowadays. I wouldn't have minded at all, so call me a slut or other names, I just wish he would've stayed.
and the thing is I pinpointed the exact day he stopped liking me. I knew it. whihc is why I've been stressing out the last 2 weeks trying to hold on, continuing to live in denial. and I'm still in denial. I keep thinking he'll call me up and say he mad ea mistake and he wants me back. and I won't be able to move on for a very long time.
I thought we'd have all summer, until I went off to uni, but noo. he decides to stop liking me now.
and the thing is, I think it might be because we didn't see each other these 2 weeks. I was hoping that once he came over today, as a friend, to come to prom maybe he'd suddenly like me again. and now he's not coming and it ruins my chances of trying to get him back. ugh I sound so desparate. and I guess I kinda am. I really REALLY liked him.
~
now going to prom will be so embarrassing. everyone expected him to be there, and not gonna lie, he would've been the hottest guy there. I know that's my opinion and obviously I think he's amazing looking, but I know a lot of people agree with me. plus I'm in grade fucking 12. being at prom with all the little niners who might have dat...
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if I write this down on paper (or the internet) right now it's admitting that I'm afraid and insecure and upset. and I don't want to do that. I like pretending that I'm happy. I like being happy. but the thing is, I like him. too much. and it's hurting me that we can't be together, officially. and it hurts me that he doesn't want to try. I don't want to hear bullshit (true bullshit sadly) about distance and my leaving to university in september, I don...
if I write this down on paper (or the internet) right now
it's admitting that I'm afraid and insecure and upset. and I don't want to do that.
I like pretending that I'm happy. I like being happy.
but the thing is,
I like him. too much. and it's hurting me that we can't be together, officially. and it hurts me that he doesn't want to try. I don't want to hear bullshit (true bullshit sadly) about distance and my leaving to university in september, I don't want to hear it. I want to LIVE now. in the moment and just be with him for as long as I can, as long as we can. it makes me so sad that he's scared. the only non-bullshit reason he told me is dealing with his ex. he seems to be over her though so idk what he's talking about. I"ll let him deal. but honestly, I can't wait forever otherwise it'll just keep hurting.
prom is may 21. and if he's not mine by then. idk what I'm going to do.
he needs to grow some balls and realize that he'll just hurt more like this. and hurt me more like this.
he said he'd break up with me when I moved away to uni. because he doesn't want to have me tied down. I couldn't tell if he was doing that for me or for himself. I don't know why he's thinking that before we even started officially being together yet though.
now that I think about it, I don't think he's over his last relationship. if he thinks a relationship is about heartbreak then he's not over it. I'm sure more of his relationship was filled with happiness versus sadness at the end. he just needs to realize it. maybe I'll hint it if we ever discuss this again.
he needs to think (we both need to think) on if happiness now is worth the consequences in the end. I'm bad at thinking ahead, but I think it's worth it. and who knows, maybe we'll want to work it out when I leave. you can't judge the future now.
I think I'm one of those psycho girls though. the annoying clingy ones. the one I never wanted to become. I just get so angsty when I don't speak to him often. I have to get over it though.
I also have to stop wanting to put a label on us and just let him think things through. maybe if I keep convincing myself that nothing will change even if we do officially get together. what will change? I won't see him any more often than I do now. I might feel slightly more secure, but he'll still speak to other girls and that wi...
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I just can't believe I'm going to graduate highschool. for most people it's not that big of a deal. you spend 4 years in school, with mostly different people, you make great friends, you leave and sometimes you keep those friends. some people have horrible experiances, some have great ones. you see cliques, you meet teachers, you meet all sorts of people and then you move on. great. ya, it's difficult, but you do it. for me, I've been at the same school with mostly the same peop...
I just can't believe I'm going to graduate highschool. for most people it's not that big of a deal. you spend 4 years in school, with mostly different people, you make great friends, you leave and sometimes you keep those friends. some people have horrible experiances, some have great ones. you see cliques, you meet teachers, you meet all sorts of people and then you move on. great. ya, it's difficult, but you do it.
for me, I've been at the same school with mostly the same people since I was nine years old. that means half my life by the time I graduate will have been with the same people. I don't remember kindergarten or grades 1-3 anyway, so basically my entire life has been with the same people. when I graduate I will be a nobody. I'll go to a different city a 3 hour drive away. none of my friends are going to the same school as me, I'll have a horrible time making friends and then I migh tnot have friends or not be friends with the people I want to be friends with now. I'm so scared. I don't think I can move on. I've had a wonderful school/highschool life. I really really have. I've done pretty much everything I thought I would have done in highschool. I got good grades, I have great friends, I crossed off like half my life goals list within the past 4 years. I've been sheltered for so long in my little bubble of a school I don't know how to interact with people outside. I really don't. I don't do small-talk. when it comes to moving out in september I really don't know how I'll handle it.
sometimes I really don't want to graduate. I'm just too afraid. I'll have to leave everything I've built up here. it took me 8 years and I'm exactly where I wanted to be. I never had to start off as the youngest, the freshman. I never had that, and I'm terrified of it happening. whenever I was dumped into situations where I knew no one I made no friends. I hated it. I was lonely. I was scared, and most of all I felt so insecure and that no one knew me or wanted to know me.
I'm writing my grad quote now and it's such a scary feeling realizing that this is all real. that I do have to leave everything behind.
there are still a few things I want to accomplish in my highschool life before I turn 18. I'm hoping I'll get it all done in the summer.
oh and speaking of 18, I'm scared of that age. I know age is just a number, I really don't care. I still think 18 is really young and legally I'll be an adult,...
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I want to be talented in something. I'm just so average in everything I attempt to do. average in school, average at writing, average at piano, average at life. I have average hair, average everything. I'm just so sick of being the girl you wouldn't look twice at, the one you wouldn't do a double take for, the one you wouldn't smile at just randomly walking across the street. people only smile at pretty strangers. it's true. there has to be something I'm good at, and it's not like I...
I want to be talented in something. I'm just so average in everything I attempt to do.
average in school, average at writing, average at piano, average at life. I have average hair, average everything. I'm just so sick of being the girl you wouldn't look twice at, the one you wouldn't do a double take for, the one you wouldn't smile at just randomly walking across the street. people only smile at pretty strangers. it's true. there has to be something I'm good at, and it's not like I haven't found it. you usually find your talent early in life and work on it until you're amazing at it. and I haven't found it. poetry is a hobby. not a talent. I'm no good at it. I haven't gotten any better in the last like year I've been writing, if anything I got worse. I haven't gotten better. no one reads my stuff anymore, no one ever read it often to begin with. I have like 5 reads. great. why do I even post stuff on here anymore? what's the point? who's going to read it? and whoever does read it, why does that matter to me? it has no purpose. none of this has no purpose. I hate when I start thinking all existentially. it's so depressing. my life has no purpose, but I have no way of giving it purpose. I just want to write beautifully. I want people to enjoy reading every word I write on a page. I want to be liked through my poetry by you internet people. and then I want people who know me in person to like me and I don't want to be self conscious of my writing. I want to show the world that I do it, but I'm not good enough. I'm too afraid of being judged. of people thinking I'm crazy for thinking insane thoughts and writing all this random depressing dark shit that I write. but at the same time I love my writing and I'm proud of it from time to time and I want people to see it, but I don't trust anyone too. I trust a couple people to read it, and they do but still. I don't even know what I'm going on about now. I'm done with this journal I guess.
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things that happened today: 1. I had 3 coffees. (usually have one.. if any) therefore I'm on this insane caffeine high right now. 2. our volleyball team won a game!! which like never happens. XD XD XD 3. I couldn't go out for a smoke today at lunch and I was brutally upset. 4. so I've decided that when I do smoke I'm only allowed on wednesday afternoon. AND when this pack is done I'm not going to ask anyone to get me another one and I'm not going to tr...
things that happened today:
1. I had 3 coffees. (usually have one.. if any) therefore I'm on this insane caffeine high right now.
2. our volleyball team won a game!! which like never happens. XD XD XD
3. I couldn't go out for a smoke today at lunch and I was brutally upset.
4. so I've decided that when I do smoke I'm only allowed on wednesday afternoon. AND when this pack is done I'm not going to ask anyone to get me another one and I'm not going to try to buy myself another one. at least for a couple months.
because I've been telling myself the last 2ish years that I won't get addicted. (no, not denial, reality. promise) but now I'm starting to slightly and want to break that before it becomes too late.
I promised myself that I would never get addicted. sure, I'll smoke, but never until I lose control of my cravings or whatnot.
5. sorry about that ramble.
6. I almost cried today in math class / almost had multiple nervous breakdowns. I can't do optimization. I just can't. my calc exam is on monday and I can't fucking do half the shit we're supposed to do. I'm scared.
7. I'm also freaking out about every other exam we have. gonna bomb english. fail physics (that's worse than calc) I'll do alright in chem cause I'm decent at it. I"ll still freak out though and I don't even know what to expect for my classics exam, but it's 3 hours so I"m freaking. my english exam is also 3 hours, but I know what to expect from it. math and chem and physics are 2 hours I think.. they might get extended to 2.5 though. hmm.
8. I'm going to see aaron at work tomorrow and carey at work on saturday. lol.
9. not sure what else to write in this list. there were more things. but now I forget.
gotta get BACK TO STUDYING!
peaceeeee
xo
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this is something I told my piano teacher today during my lesson. oh before I say what I said some background info: my whole life people have been telling me 'I'm gifted in piano' and gah. I don't think I am. but whatever. besides the point. my teacher says it too adn he's actually AMAZING. like sooo pro. you can google him and ya. anyways, he charges us SOOOO little compared to other students.. like he told me what some people pay him and it's actually ridiculous. I pa...
this is something I told my piano teacher today during my lesson.
oh before I say what I said some background info: my whole life people have been telling me 'I'm gifted in piano' and gah. I don't think I am. but whatever. besides the point. my teacher says it too adn he's actually AMAZING. like sooo pro. you can google him and ya. anyways, he charges us SOOOO little compared to other students.. like he told me what some people pay him and it's actually ridiculous. I pay like a quarter of the lowest price he charges usually :\ and he says it's cause he enjoys teaching me 'cause I'm actually talented'
anyways so point being 'I'm talented'
jeeez. I hate it. I don't think I'm good and it just makes me feel awkward when people say it. like I'm not BAD, but idk. I wouldn't say I'm talented.
I'm incredibly lazy though. I never practice. I haven't practiced like a day in my life. when I turned 15 I switched piano teachers to the guy I have now. before that I had teh same teacher since I was like 4. she kinda sucked though, not gonna lie. anyways uhm where was I going with this? yea, I don't practice so I guess that says I'm kinda good right? meh.
SOO what I'm trying to get around to: the thing I said today:
and what I'm about to say might not make sense to anyone but me slash I hope other people get it :\
so usually when I play I don't play 'musically' I just play the notes. and my teacher is like 'feel the music' and I know what he means, but I don't do it. for the reasons I told him today. (well one of them I told, the other is slightly more weird and personal to share with him)
1. playing it beautifully/properly/musically takes up too much energy (I'm lazy) like it actually makes me so tired, but I do it, sometimes and he gets really happy lol. but not often. and he always gets mad cause I'm lazy.
a) plus let's say I actually 'try' (and not inform him in advance that I plan on playing well) and he still says I need to play 'musically' I'll just get so disappointed in myself beacuse it'll show that I don't feel the music properly and then I'll pretty much give up.
2. I have no reason to play nicely, unless I play for myself for fun. I always play nicely then. but in the lesson, idk, I just don't feel the need too. it's weird.
3. you know how art or poetry or music in this case is li...
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one. is it bad that I don't ENJOY being happy as much as I should because I feel like I should be miserable like other people are? and when I'm not upset about something and I read about someone who is I instantly wish to be sad too so we can be sad together? is it a little bit weird? I really don't enjoy being happy when other's aren't. I feel bad about my happiness and sometimes I'll even force myself to think about upsetting topics...
one.
is it bad that I don't ENJOY being happy as much as I should because I feel like I should be miserable like other people are? and when I'm not upset about something and I read about someone who is I instantly wish to be sad too so we can be sad together? is it a little bit weird?
I really don't enjoy being happy when other's aren't. I feel bad about my happiness and sometimes I'll even force myself to think about upsetting topics just so we can be the same.
I should stop doing that though because it just messes with my mind and it's not my fault that the other person is upset so I shouldn't take it out on myself. but I do anyways.
I just feel like it isn't fair when I'm happy. as if I should always be sad about something. like, I don't deserve the happiness I begin to feel.
I do deserve it though. everyone deserves it. I just wish we could all be happy at the same time so I stop feeling guilty about my happiness.
~
two.
wow, I'm just like in shock still. remember my date a couple nights ago? and how I still haven't told aaron to peaceout yet? well I still haven't and yesterday I was talking to carey (that's the guy who I saw the movie with) and he kept on saying the sweetest stuff. and it was then I realized that no one, apart from my friends, have complimented me on stuff before. we got into awkward territory though and I started flipping shit to scarlett and shelly and sheila about what to say (WOAH ALL NAMES START WITH S) anyways, yea. they helped me out. and I managed to avoid akward territory.
I've decided I'm not going to bother telling aaron that it's done. (lol bad of me)
reasons:
1. I'm sure he'll get the idea.
2. he's done shit like that to me before. he just like stopped talking to me for a month. it was pretty ridiculous now that I think about. why the hell did I put myself through that?
so unless he calls and 'wants to talk' I'm not going to bother.
3. I'm kind of lazy too and
4. it's just easier this way haha. I'm not the best talker in the world so it just makes my life more difficult.
and now back to carey. I still don't know how I feel. and craaaaazy flirting went on last night on msn. I scared myself with what I said. (half the things were thought of by scarle...
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I just completely broke down and cried in front of my dad today. I hate admitting things to him, especially by crying. I also miss my mom -weird eh. anyways, I feel very insecure at the moment, more than usual. I got to thinking that I don't have many friends, real friends. I have 5 people I talk to regularly (ish) but sometimes (especially a few months back when I felt suicidal) I feel like their lives would be normal, even happier without me. I know everyone is probably going to say 'omg no...
I just completely broke down and cried in front of my dad today. I hate admitting things to him, especially by crying. I also miss my mom -weird eh. anyways, I feel very insecure at the moment, more than usual. I got to thinking that I don't have many friends, real friends. I have 5 people I talk to regularly (ish) but sometimes (especially a few months back when I felt suicidal) I feel like their lives would be normal, even happier without me. I know everyone is probably going to say 'omg no we love you etcetc.' but idk. it's so easy to lose friends. so I'm thinking about how I'm way more comfortable talking to people over msn or any online interaction versus in person. and I think it's because online I don't actually SEE you and I guess in a weird fuckedup way my brain doesn't understand that what I say is still being heard by someone. I don't know how to explain, but I'm way more open about myself over the internet, and in some ways that's bad. this leads to my next point, now this sounds like an essay.ugh. so like most teenage girls, I'm very unhappy with my looks. I'm not that ugly, like it could be worse, but I'm not that pretty either, which I'm fine with. what I'm not fine with is that I don't even have a good personality to make up for it. now here is where those who are reading this will say 'are you kidding, you're so nice and stuff etcetc.' but that's a lie. that's my whole 'I'm more confident over the internet' thing. seriously, I'm sure that if you tried to talk to me in person you'd be bored out of your mind. I'm not funny, or witty or charming. I can barely hold a conversation, I can't hold a conversation to tell the truth. one-on-one encounters with even my best of friends are awkward and sometimes even boring because I don't know what to say. I'm quite comfortable listening, but most people need answers. over the internet I can give those answers, well even, but in person I'm just a failure at it. so the fact that I have this boring personality, and not so attractive features make me highly unliked by the male population. and that depresses me too. just once, I want to be liked. so now, those who know me or have heard my stories will know that a few months ago I liked this 19 yr old guy named aaron, and he 'liked' me, or so I thought. and now that I think back, the majority of our talking was through texting or msn, when in person it was awkward, boring, and pretty silent. I don't want to elaborate on this. at the time I was happy and ...
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